“The world will give you that once in awhile, a brief timeout; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life.”
That is how I feel today went. . . work has been pedal-to-the-metal lately, I feel like I haven't been able to catch my breath, and have been generally run down for the last two weeks. Today was my time-out. Today I got to spend the whole day with Lierre. And even though we did a few errands and I tidied up around the house, it may rank in one of my favorite days with her and one of the best days in awhile. Lierre didn't cry a bit in any of our errands, laughed like I was the funniest thing in the world when I would talk to her or touch my nose to hers or make a funny sound, and observed everything with bright, thoughtful eyes. My anxiety never got up, even in traffic or when stores didn't have what I wanted. There was no rushing around or nerves or deadlines, only exploring and enjoying each other's company. While I folded laundry, Lierre quietly played with a toy (or ten) by my feet, occasionally pulling on my pant leg so that I would help her practice stand up (!!) or respond to her stream of gibberish. When I sat down to eat, Lierre entertained herself (!!) with toys and eventually ended up at my feet again, staring at me with big, hopeful brown eyes that all but pleaded for me to hold her in my lap.
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| Hold me, please? |
Cuddles, cuddles, cuddles, and closeness---that is what this little one has craved lately. And it was the biggest joy today to be able to give her that. With the end of the school year (read: testing) coming up, the hours have been long and morale has been low pretty much across the board. I have felt like a wrung-out rag some days when I get home and I know I haven't been able to give Lierre my best time or effort. That just about kills me when I think about it (so I try not to too much), so today I felt like it was one of those rare days where everything falls into place and my soul was filled up.
Thank you, God, for your goodness.
[The only thing that would have made it better was if Tim could have joined us!]
Part of the reason why I have not written as much, well besides being insanely busy and worn out, is that I haven't been able to voice exactly how I feel about my career. No, no, not my JOB.... but rather, the state of education in this country and our state. I love teaching. I love my students. I hate testing and standardized this and that and the other and spending most of each day gearing my students towards a test that will be very hard, if not impossible, for some of them to "pass." The individual gets left behind and it is hard to try to make every drastically different student the same. Even writing this I am hesitating for I fear someone will misinterpret this for dislike of my work or my job. Maybe these will do a better job.
Anyways.
Tim and I are eagerly awaiting summer's arrival where we can spend more time together as a family and possibly take a trip or two. Silly NC needs to get with the program because it has been cold or raining for forever.... I mean, today I had to bring a blanket for Lierre in the car. It is MAY, Mother Nature. May! Bring me warm weather!!!! Plus, Lierre has too many cute clothes for warm weather that she is rapidly growing out of without ever having worn them!
We have also been trying a new church lately and it has felt so good to find somewhere that we both can agree we like so far. They also have a small nursery for Lierre and she tends to do well. I saw this Bible verse(verses) on a friend's facebook today and it resonated deep down in me. In a time with so many things changing and shifting and moving forward, it was a welcome reminder. Thanks, Heather!
You have searched me Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. ♥ Psalm 139: 1-18
