Holidaze

Heart Explosion

My Love

Remember when I said I am terrible at gift wrapping?...

Sweet buddy Jack waiting for his stocking treat

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, everyone! 

Let's Talk

Let's talk about...... having a baby with reflux and/or colic issues.

While you are pregnant, all 9 months, you spend your days imagining the sweetness that will be your baby girl or boy. You imagine cuddles and quiet mornings basking in each other's company. You picture taking your baby out to meals with you, while those around you oooh and ahhh over how cute your baby is. You daydream about going shopping and long walks at the park (where it is always somehow Spring with white Dogwood flowers drifting around you).

Then, you have a baby. Your sweet little one. You hear that first sweet cry and your world is forever rocked. Then the first day goes by and you hear those sweet cries.... then the second days, more cries still.... then day three, four, five, 18, 45, and the cries are still coming. But these aren't your typical baby cries, the ones your friends laugh about when their baby or child is having an off day or is a little hungry.

These are the cries of a baby who is constantly uncomfortable and 95% of the time has to be held, rocked, moving. This baby, The Reflux/Colic Baby, is a whole different species. Don't get me wrong-- the cuddles are still sweet and the smiles still melt a heart of a stone, but.... those cuddles must be given and given NOW. They must only last a few seconds until you MUST move, shift, twirl, twist, fidget, lift hiiiiiigh like an airplane, and wooosh down low like you're flying.

You kill yourself working on a "nap schedule" and your little one is actually trying so hard to cooperate. And then they get the hiccups. Or they spit up. Or have some form of gas that causes them to squirm and stretch and arch and fuss until the nap that was so close is now a thing of the past.

Your friends and those around you post picture after picture of how sweet and darling their little ones are. Your baby is just as cute, but I'll bet you have to work much harder to capture a happy, spit-up free, fuss-free moment. Others will say things about how lucky they are to have a sweet, easy going, happy baby and a little guilty part of you inside squirms a little because you feel just the tiniest bit jealous. Why isn't your baby happy all the time like theirs? Why is your baby uncomfortable? What are you doing wrong?

You either go out and your child fusses so much that you are "that person" in the store/restaurant with the screaming & fussy baby, or your baby has a moment where they are actually content and everyone around you thinks you have been exaggerating about how much attention your baby needs, or how frequently you have to clean up spit up or burp/bounce/wiggle.

Sigh.

If you haven't guessed, I am a parent of said "other species" of baby. Lierre has fought issues with hiccups and spitting up since the very beginning. We are now on our second form of Reflux medicine with (I think) the third or fourth dosage tweak. She has been much happier the past few days since switching. And then.

Tonight happened. She was content (HOORAY) to lay on the floor with some tummy time while I got to sit next to her and eat dinner (HOORAY). All was well when BOOM---she spits up. And I'm talking a huge puddle that continues to grow and grow as she choked and strained and had tears pouring out of her eyes. Gasping for air. I sat there leaning her over, banging on her back, ran to her room to find our suction bulb to try to clear out her nose. This choking thing goes on to the point where I am praying out loud and crying and rocking her for close to 30 minutes.

All ended up being well, but this is the face I got to see all night that broke my heart.

Red, Sad eyes. Drooly mouth that was trying to push out
that mean old spit-up all night.

I know we are so lucky and so blessed for her overall good health. But dang, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't love it if this stupid reflux mess would just be behind us already.

Let's Talk about.....Connecticut & The shooting.

I am not going to say much, other than my heart is breaking. School today was a very emotional day for many (most) people. I don't have any answers. I am just praying and holding those families in my heart this holiday season. Their sweet lives have made me hold Lierre that much tighter these days.

"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12

(On a lighter note...) Let's talk about..... wrapping presents

I. Hate. Wrapping. Presents. Any form of creativity or artistic ability I may have skipped completely over the gift wrapping department. My poor mom has tried teaching me since I was, oh, probably in elementary school how to wrap pretty presents. Even if I find the perfect present, I keep it tucked away in a corner for as long as possible. I am a last-minute gift wrapper. It doesn't matter how hard I try with that wrapping paper....there is always way too much or not enough and howdoesanyonegetthepapertostaydownflat?! Last year I ended up just rolling (that's right, rolling) the ends of the wrapping paper and putting a long strip of tape across it. The rest I stuck in bags with some tissue paper. This year I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I am not a good gift wrapper. I am hoping that this confession and acceptance will help keep my blood pressure and temper from shooting through the roof when I finally begin the wrapping process.

Yeah.... we will see about that. This is looking better and better....

4 Months

Lierre, Precious Lamb, Tiny Bird,

You are four months old today.... and you are the absolute light of our lives. Every day that we have with you is such a blessing and we have so much to be thankful for. We had some hard events happen this week in our nation that involved some innocent children losing their lives. Every single second since, your daddy and I have held you closer and breathed in your sweet baby scent and thanked God that you are safe and healthy.

You are such a rock star this month. You have become much more vocal at times (squealing and laughing), but also have longer stretches of time where you are intently looking around the room and absorbing everything around you. When daddy or I walk in or out of a room, your sweet brown eyes follow us wherever we go.

Your naps are still very inconsistent. Some days you will get in a four hour nap. Some days you will have one twenty minute nap and that is it. I love you, dear.... but you do NOT do well without sleep. It is pretty exhausting on the days where you want to be held or lugged around from one room to the next and nothing pleases you. But, I count my blessings on those days, too.... that I get to hold you, see your smiling face when it finally peaks out from behind your grumpy clouds. At least, for the most part, you are still sleeping 12ish hours through the night. This past week has been a little more inconsistent, but we can't figure out why--- are you hungry and going through a growth spurt? Do you have a little cough/cold since we hear you sneeze sometimes at night? Are you starting to teeth? We don't know for sure, but I hope we can figure out your little mysteries. No one ever told me that part of the job description of being a mommy was being a detective. Always searching, searching, searching for new things for you, the best this or that, and trying to figure out what makes you tick.

We went to see Santa on Friday. Your daddy and I both had Friday night off which rarely happens. We bundled you up in your most precious little red dress and red and white stockings and put a little red ribbon with green polka dots on it and we hit the road to see Ol' Saint Nick. The line was a little ridiculous, but you held it together and everyone loved looking at you in the line. You were the smallest one there. There was a little boy behind us who was 8 months old.... I can't believe in just four more short months you will be as big as he was! When we reached Santa, you didn't even bat an eye when we handed you off to the man in red. You didn't act scared or upset.... in fact you seemed a little bored by the whole thing. You looked at the lady shaking jingle bells at you and sighed a little bit. Oh, the things your mom and dad make you do.

After seeing Santa!

You have gotten the hang of rolling from your tummy to your back pretty well (when you really want it), but mostly you love just pushing up on your hands in a mini push-up. I hold my breath every time I put you down for a nap and hope you don't start army style pushing up because that normally means a nap is not going to happen, at least not for awhile.

You are still working on rolling from your back to your stomach, though. You grunt and twist and make duck lips every time you try. You have gotten it once, maybe twice, but I bet you will really have it down in the next few weeks.

Duck Lips

You are fixated on our dog Jack lately. He walks in the room and you turn your head to follow him. I "yell" at him to leave you alone and you smile. He licks your face, I cringe and try to shove him away, and you laugh. You guys are a match made in heaven. He loves you so much and follows you to whatever room you are in. He sleeps outside of your bedroom door. 

You bundled in your new carrier on a walk with Jack.
You laughed the entire time. And then spit up all over.

You are a big girl (at least in your mind) and have been trying to hold your bottle while you drink lately. I am thrilled when you do, and then am hit with a wave of nostalgia. What a bittersweet thing.

We switched your medicine from Zantac to Prevacid this week. That Zantac just wasn't doing anything. You seem to be a little happier during the day and we are crossing our fingers that this may be the change that you needed. You go back to the doctor the week after Christmas for your four month check up the week after Christmas, so I will have to add your weight then. You have to get more shots--pretty sure I will be worthless that day and the day after at work because I will just be thinking about you.


I am absolutely drooling over the fact that I will have Christmas break starting at the end of this week. This means I will have about 12 days off with you. Every. Day. Ahhh!!! My dream come true.

I will end this month's post with this thought.... Tim/Daddy asked me in line for Santa what I would ask him for if he asked what I wanted for Christmas. My response? "Nothing. I have everything I want right here." While I said it without thinking, it was completely true. I have you, I have Tim, we have our sweet family and our pets and our home. Seriously, what more could I want? I love you all so much. I day dream about you guys all day. My happiest times are when we are all together.

I love you, Lierre. Let's keep doing life and having so much fun growing together.

Love,
Mommy

From Daddy

It has been a very long time since I've written anything on here.  Anna has done such an incredible job keeping all of you updated.  Now... I'm no Anna Simmons Bloch, but I'll do my best.


It's late, cold, and rainy outside tonight.  As I sit here in front of our beautifully lit Christmas tree, I just felt a rush of just how truly lucky and blessed I am.  I have a wife who is incredibly loyal, caring, and appreciates the small things in life.  Anna could care less about fancy clothes, expensive purses, or sparkling jewelry (except her engagement ring).  She cherishes a nice dinner, falling asleep together on the couch, or playing on the floor with Lierre and me while attempting to make both of us laugh.  I constantly tell Lierre that I hope she grows up to be at least half the women her mother is.

Dear Lierre:

I can't believe how much you have changed our lives.  Gone are the days of sleeping late, weekend trips, and spontaneous trips to hang with friends.  Since the minute you were born, you had my full attention.  Even late at night or early in the morning, I find myself standing over your crib, staring at you (desperately hoping I don't wake you).  I still wonder how such a beautiful miracle was placed in our home.  You look so peaceful when you sleep, and every now and then you twitch due to your sweet baby dreams.

Mommy took a full-time job to make sure you get to enjoy the finer things in life such as descent clothes, a college education, and a safe place to live.  Your mommy and I are one great team.  We constantly talk about your future and everything we can do to make it that much easier in this hard, cruel world.  It pains me to think about the first time someone insults you, doesn't want to play with you, or tells you that you're not good enough.  All we can do is try and prepare you for all of the "firsts" in your life.  I wish you never had to face anything negative, and your little baby dreams continued to be full of new beginnings, smiles, and excitement.  I will continue to watch you sleep, at least until you are old enough to know that it's creepy and uncomfortable.   

I hate that your acid reflux is getting worse again.  You try to laugh, but it seems that it literally hurts you.  When you arch your back, turn red, and start screaming, it cripples me.  I want you to know that we are trying everything possible to take the pain away.  Baby Zantac doesn't seem to work as well as it used to.  I will continue to research the issue, and ask everyone in an effort to make you feel better.

I thought your smile was the most beautiful and exciting event, but then I heard and saw you laugh.  Your laugh could make me smile on the worst of days.  You get a bad case of hiccups every single time you laugh.  The great thing right now is there is no in-between, either you break out into minutes of laughter, or remain steady as a very serious, focused little baby.  Mood swings like mommy?  Just so you know, when you see mommy smack daddy on the back of the head, it's for remarks such as that one.  We still love one another despite the physical abuse.

Today you got to see your first lit Christmas tree.  I held you as I turned it on.  Your mouth literally dropped, and your pacifier fell to the floor.  It was hilarious!  You stared at the tree with a puzzled, yet astonished look on your face.  For all you know it's a new piece of furniture.

I have the privledge of caring for you all day when I'm off and Mommy works.  A normal days consists of the following events.  First I hear soft, funny sounds through the monitor.  Each morning I look to see you kicking away on your stomach.  As soon as I enter the room, your kicks increase in speed.  I always roll you over onto your back and the second you see my face, you smile with the biggest dimples.  I then escort you to the changing table where your smiles instantly turn into a cry's.  I quickly (I use the word "quickly" very loosely now that you have learned how to kick) change your diaper.  I position you on the couch where I feed you your cold formula.  That's right, cold formula.  You are the only baby that prefers cold formula.  God forbid I don't get the bottle to your mouth quick enough, you would think the world was ending, but to your small world, you probably think it is.  I watch Boy Meets World while you eat, and I have to constantly turn you away from the TV because you love to watch it.  Then you play, eat, pee, sleep, and repeat.

   To get you to take a nap I have to lay you down in the corner of the crib so the top of your head is slightly touching the side.  Then I place your duck pacifier, "Ducky-Yee", in your mouth.  Then you scream and I have to dabble a little tummy medicine on the pacifier because you love the taste, or you spit it out and continue to scream.  I follow this up with very light strokes across your face while I barely pat your back.  I continue this for about ten minutes while you scream, quiet down, scream, lift your head, quiet down, scream, and so on.  Again, it's all worth it because I get to watch you sleep.  I get to observe my innocent, beautiful, miracle of a daughter safely enter her own dream world.  I love you Lierre, I can't wait to watch you grow.  Thank you for being the baby that you are.  We couldn't ask for anything more.

On My Mind...

I just took a deep breath because I am about to write about a few things that have been on my mind or in my heart for a little while now. These are some things that I am still working on and working through and I ask that if you are impatient with this kind of thing or have unkind thoughts to just go ahead and find something else to read. I always said if I had a blog, I would do my best to try to be honest on it. This post will have words like "breastfeeding" and "supply" and other girly things like that... let's be mature people, or move along.


It has just taken me awhile to work up the guts to write it on here.... mostly because I have not wanted to face the truths that are here with me.

Truth #1:
I am no longer breastfeeding.
To you who are reading this, you probably just skimmed over that sentence and didn't bat an eye at it. To me, however, I had to force my fingers to write it and my eyes filled up with tears.
I am no longer nursing.
I knew that working would be hard and would be hard to try to figure out how to keep up a supply while only nursing a few times a day in the afternoon. It was going pretty well, but I could tell a noticeable difference in my supply. The first days that I tried to "train" my body to only produce in the afternoons, those first few bottles I had to give Lierre were awful. Don't get me wrong, she did great. She has always been a good eater. However, each time I gave her a bottle of formula the first few times I had to distract myself with television or a phone call so that I would not notice that I was giving her formula when I had to perfectly good breasts that were ready and capable of producing milk. The times when I got settled in to feed Lierre a bottle and she instinctually turned her head towards me first instead and started rooting.... well, I just about felt like my heart was being shoved through a very tiny tube. Then, having to turn her head away and making her find the nipple on the bottle while also feeling my milk let down was even worse.

Anyways... we got used to this and for a week or two or three it worked out ok that she would take formula while I was at work and then I would nurse 1-3 times (depending on when I could get home that day). It doesn't take a genius to realize that my supply would suffer. Still, it was working and I willed myself to be ok with the fact that she was getting half and half.

Then there was one day. Tim was gone to work or something. I was alone with Lierre and she would not stop fussing. She normally eats about every three hours on the dot. She had eaten about an hour and a half earlier but would not stop crying. So I figured maybe she was hungry and decided to let her eat "early." Now, she had been crying for awhile. So maybe that is what really happened... even now I still struggle with the next parts. She was crying and crying.... she finally latched on and I started to get into the mental zone. Then, oops, she broke her latch and turned her head and started crying more. I tried again. She broke off and cried some more. My blood pressure started shooting through the roof. I tried one more time and she nursed for a few minutes before breaking off and crying her truly very sad cry. I felt awful. I finally decided to break out the formula (at this point we were trying Enfamil AR powder formula... it is ridiculously thick, hard to mix stuff). I tried as fast as I could to mix the formula and get it ready and have it warm for just a few minutes. Lierre went from sad to furious. WHY was I not feeding her already?!

 I gave up on trying to get the formula warm and decided if she was that hungry, she could handle luke-warm. She happily started sucking away while I sat there shaken and confused. Had I really just stopped producing cold-turkey like that? Was she over tired? What was going on? At this point I noticed Lierre was wiggling like crazy and her red mark on her forehead was getting more red---a sure sign that an angry fit is coming. I couldn't figure it out. Well.... turns out in my rush, the powder had somehow clogged the nipple of the bottle and Lierre had been sucking for at least 5 minutes with nothing coming out. So. Had to put her down again. Clean out the bottle parts. Mix some more. At this point, Lierre was pretty inconsolable. She ended up eating way too fast, spit up, and then crashed into a long nap from being so worn out from crying. The whole ordeal probably took over an hour, which in baby time, and in baby feeding time, is like 4 days.

I proceeded to huddle in the corner of our couch and feel like the worst mother ever. Here I was, perfectly capable of producing milk and I had been choosing formula (pumping just didn't work out. That's another story). My baby was hungry and I could not meet those needs. My baby who depends on me looked at me with heartbroken eyes and I had to put her down again and again trying to "fix" her eating situation.

Tim got home. I told him that I was done. As much as it sucked to say, as hard as it was, as much as I did not want it to be so--I was done nursing. I decided in that afternoon that I would rather give her formula and be completely prepared and save a lot of stress and tears (on both ends) and fill up her tummy than try this "maybe I'm making enough milk, but maybe not" thing anymore.

And Lierre transitioned beautifully. It was almost insulting to my little ego that I had tried so hard to nurse, and there the little greedy monster was happily chowing down on a bottle.

Truth #2: 
[The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.]

I however, almost 2-3 weeks later, am still working through this. I had wanted to make it to at least four months (with my goal reallllly being six months and revisiting it then). Holding off on all the benefits of breast milk, it was hard on many levels knowing that Lierre was now a "formula fed baby." I had dreamed of nursing. I got through the really hard first few weeks where it hurts every time you feed. I had DONE IT! And now I have had to stop it. Lierre doesn't mind. But it was weird having to go from being essential to not only her happiness, but her survival, to being just another person who could feed her, or not, whatever. Her fussiness level is still about the same (high) as it was when I was nursing, but there's the little part of me that worried about how she is handling the formula ("Would she still be this fussy/in pain/etc. if I was nursing?").

The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.

Just because I was not making enough milk for her to eat does not mean I was not still making some milk. The days that I stopped completely, I had started leaking. I NEVER had this problem during any time of pregnancy or any time I was exclusively nursing. This made it worse. I felt physically sick to my stomach as I had to hand express a little bit to ease the pain and to make my body stop.

I spent the next few nights googling things like "how to dry up breast milk" and "dealing with sadness over quitting nursing."

The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.

All the sites I found, even the very few that were meant to be helpful had disclaimers in the beginning, the middle, the end, the sides, everywhere about how breastmilk is the best for babies. Breastmilk is best. Breast is best. Before "giving up" on nursing, try talking to your doctor or a friend or a lactation consultant so that you make sure you make "the best" decision for your baby (aka nursing). Before you quit nursing, know that a formula fed baby can have all of these X, Y, Z issues whereas a breastfed baby has all of these A, B, C advantages! Are you sure you still want to formula feed your baby? Are you really sure? Have you tried talking to someone? You are still thinking about formula after reading all of our in-your-face facts about how it is not good for your baby? Really?! But... no, we won't give you any advice on how to handle your feelings of inadequacy, because let's be honest--that's pretty much what we think you are--inadequate. Breast is best!

Bah.

To this day, when people ask me "Do you nurse or do you formula feed?" I almost always start to answer "Oh, we breastfeed" before I remember that is no longer the truth and have to say the word "formula" like I am completely ok with it.

It is so strange. I did not love how long breastfeeding took every time (Like a solid hour every 3 hours). I have never cared if other people nursed or formula fed.... not one bit. I figured they had their reasons.

And yet... with me it is like I just can't "get ok" with it yet. I am trying, but I am not there yet. Lierre is fine and happy. It has been nice to know she can be cared for even if I am not there.

But.

It has been a very hard transition emotionally for me. That combined with my feelings of guilt over returning to work have made me a little bit of a mess.

So....I ask you now, mommas, for your experiences. Ease my conscience a little bit?