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| Heart Explosion |
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| My Love |
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| Remember when I said I am terrible at gift wrapping?... |
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| Sweet buddy Jack waiting for his stocking treat |
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, everyone!
Follow us as we stumble our way through our first year of life as parents and our second year of marriage!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Holidaze
Monday, December 17, 2012
Let's Talk
Let's talk about...... having a baby with reflux and/or colic issues.
While you are pregnant, all 9 months, you spend your days imagining the sweetness that will be your baby girl or boy. You imagine cuddles and quiet mornings basking in each other's company. You picture taking your baby out to meals with you, while those around you oooh and ahhh over how cute your baby is. You daydream about going shopping and long walks at the park (where it is always somehow Spring with white Dogwood flowers drifting around you).
Then, you have a baby. Your sweet little one. You hear that first sweet cry and your world is forever rocked. Then the first day goes by and you hear those sweet cries.... then the second days, more cries still.... then day three, four, five, 18, 45, and the cries are still coming. But these aren't your typical baby cries, the ones your friends laugh about when their baby or child is having an off day or is a little hungry.
These are the cries of a baby who is constantly uncomfortable and 95% of the time has to be held, rocked, moving. This baby, The Reflux/Colic Baby, is a whole different species. Don't get me wrong-- the cuddles are still sweet and the smiles still melt a heart of a stone, but.... those cuddles must be given and given NOW. They must only last a few seconds until you MUST move, shift, twirl, twist, fidget, lift hiiiiiigh like an airplane, and wooosh down low like you're flying.
You kill yourself working on a "nap schedule" and your little one is actually trying so hard to cooperate. And then they get the hiccups. Or they spit up. Or have some form of gas that causes them to squirm and stretch and arch and fuss until the nap that was so close is now a thing of the past.
Your friends and those around you post picture after picture of how sweet and darling their little ones are. Your baby is just as cute, but I'll bet you have to work much harder to capture a happy, spit-up free, fuss-free moment. Others will say things about how lucky they are to have a sweet, easy going, happy baby and a little guilty part of you inside squirms a little because you feel just the tiniest bit jealous. Why isn't your baby happy all the time like theirs? Why is your baby uncomfortable? What are you doing wrong?
You either go out and your child fusses so much that you are "that person" in the store/restaurant with the screaming & fussy baby, or your baby has a moment where they are actually content and everyone around you thinks you have been exaggerating about how much attention your baby needs, or how frequently you have to clean up spit up or burp/bounce/wiggle.
Sigh.
If you haven't guessed, I am a parent of said "other species" of baby. Lierre has fought issues with hiccups and spitting up since the very beginning. We are now on our second form of Reflux medicine with (I think) the third or fourth dosage tweak. She has been much happier the past few days since switching. And then.
Tonight happened. She was content (HOORAY) to lay on the floor with some tummy time while I got to sit next to her and eat dinner (HOORAY). All was well when BOOM---she spits up. And I'm talking a huge puddle that continues to grow and grow as she choked and strained and had tears pouring out of her eyes. Gasping for air. I sat there leaning her over, banging on her back, ran to her room to find our suction bulb to try to clear out her nose. This choking thing goes on to the point where I am praying out loud and crying and rocking her for close to 30 minutes.
All ended up being well, but this is the face I got to see all night that broke my heart.
I know we are so lucky and so blessed for her overall good health. But dang, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't love it if this stupid reflux mess would just be behind us already.
Let's Talk about.....Connecticut & The shooting.
I am not going to say much, other than my heart is breaking. School today was a very emotional day for many (most) people. I don't have any answers. I am just praying and holding those families in my heart this holiday season. Their sweet lives have made me hold Lierre that much tighter these days.
"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12
(On a lighter note...) Let's talk about..... wrapping presents
I. Hate. Wrapping. Presents. Any form of creativity or artistic ability I may have skipped completely over the gift wrapping department. My poor mom has tried teaching me since I was, oh, probably in elementary school how to wrap pretty presents. Even if I find the perfect present, I keep it tucked away in a corner for as long as possible. I am a last-minute gift wrapper. It doesn't matter how hard I try with that wrapping paper....there is always way too much or not enough and howdoesanyonegetthepapertostaydownflat?! Last year I ended up just rolling (that's right, rolling) the ends of the wrapping paper and putting a long strip of tape across it. The rest I stuck in bags with some tissue paper. This year I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I am not a good gift wrapper. I am hoping that this confession and acceptance will help keep my blood pressure and temper from shooting through the roof when I finally begin the wrapping process.
Yeah.... we will see about that. This is looking better and better....
While you are pregnant, all 9 months, you spend your days imagining the sweetness that will be your baby girl or boy. You imagine cuddles and quiet mornings basking in each other's company. You picture taking your baby out to meals with you, while those around you oooh and ahhh over how cute your baby is. You daydream about going shopping and long walks at the park (where it is always somehow Spring with white Dogwood flowers drifting around you).
Then, you have a baby. Your sweet little one. You hear that first sweet cry and your world is forever rocked. Then the first day goes by and you hear those sweet cries.... then the second days, more cries still.... then day three, four, five, 18, 45, and the cries are still coming. But these aren't your typical baby cries, the ones your friends laugh about when their baby or child is having an off day or is a little hungry.
These are the cries of a baby who is constantly uncomfortable and 95% of the time has to be held, rocked, moving. This baby, The Reflux/Colic Baby, is a whole different species. Don't get me wrong-- the cuddles are still sweet and the smiles still melt a heart of a stone, but.... those cuddles must be given and given NOW. They must only last a few seconds until you MUST move, shift, twirl, twist, fidget, lift hiiiiiigh like an airplane, and wooosh down low like you're flying.
You kill yourself working on a "nap schedule" and your little one is actually trying so hard to cooperate. And then they get the hiccups. Or they spit up. Or have some form of gas that causes them to squirm and stretch and arch and fuss until the nap that was so close is now a thing of the past.
Your friends and those around you post picture after picture of how sweet and darling their little ones are. Your baby is just as cute, but I'll bet you have to work much harder to capture a happy, spit-up free, fuss-free moment. Others will say things about how lucky they are to have a sweet, easy going, happy baby and a little guilty part of you inside squirms a little because you feel just the tiniest bit jealous. Why isn't your baby happy all the time like theirs? Why is your baby uncomfortable? What are you doing wrong?
You either go out and your child fusses so much that you are "that person" in the store/restaurant with the screaming & fussy baby, or your baby has a moment where they are actually content and everyone around you thinks you have been exaggerating about how much attention your baby needs, or how frequently you have to clean up spit up or burp/bounce/wiggle.
Sigh.
If you haven't guessed, I am a parent of said "other species" of baby. Lierre has fought issues with hiccups and spitting up since the very beginning. We are now on our second form of Reflux medicine with (I think) the third or fourth dosage tweak. She has been much happier the past few days since switching. And then.
Tonight happened. She was content (HOORAY) to lay on the floor with some tummy time while I got to sit next to her and eat dinner (HOORAY). All was well when BOOM---she spits up. And I'm talking a huge puddle that continues to grow and grow as she choked and strained and had tears pouring out of her eyes. Gasping for air. I sat there leaning her over, banging on her back, ran to her room to find our suction bulb to try to clear out her nose. This choking thing goes on to the point where I am praying out loud and crying and rocking her for close to 30 minutes.
All ended up being well, but this is the face I got to see all night that broke my heart.
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| Red, Sad eyes. Drooly mouth that was trying to push out that mean old spit-up all night. |
Let's Talk about.....Connecticut & The shooting.
I am not going to say much, other than my heart is breaking. School today was a very emotional day for many (most) people. I don't have any answers. I am just praying and holding those families in my heart this holiday season. Their sweet lives have made me hold Lierre that much tighter these days.
"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12
(On a lighter note...) Let's talk about..... wrapping presents
I. Hate. Wrapping. Presents. Any form of creativity or artistic ability I may have skipped completely over the gift wrapping department. My poor mom has tried teaching me since I was, oh, probably in elementary school how to wrap pretty presents. Even if I find the perfect present, I keep it tucked away in a corner for as long as possible. I am a last-minute gift wrapper. It doesn't matter how hard I try with that wrapping paper....there is always way too much or not enough and howdoesanyonegetthepapertostaydownflat?! Last year I ended up just rolling (that's right, rolling) the ends of the wrapping paper and putting a long strip of tape across it. The rest I stuck in bags with some tissue paper. This year I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I am not a good gift wrapper. I am hoping that this confession and acceptance will help keep my blood pressure and temper from shooting through the roof when I finally begin the wrapping process.
Yeah.... we will see about that. This is looking better and better....
Sunday, December 16, 2012
4 Months
Lierre, Precious Lamb, Tiny Bird,
You are four months old today.... and you are the absolute light of our lives. Every day that we have with you is such a blessing and we have so much to be thankful for. We had some hard events happen this week in our nation that involved some innocent children losing their lives. Every single second since, your daddy and I have held you closer and breathed in your sweet baby scent and thanked God that you are safe and healthy.
You are such a rock star this month. You have become much more vocal at times (squealing and laughing), but also have longer stretches of time where you are intently looking around the room and absorbing everything around you. When daddy or I walk in or out of a room, your sweet brown eyes follow us wherever we go.
Your naps are still very inconsistent. Some days you will get in a four hour nap. Some days you will have one twenty minute nap and that is it. I love you, dear.... but you do NOT do well without sleep. It is pretty exhausting on the days where you want to be held or lugged around from one room to the next and nothing pleases you. But, I count my blessings on those days, too.... that I get to hold you, see your smiling face when it finally peaks out from behind your grumpy clouds. At least, for the most part, you are still sleeping 12ish hours through the night. This past week has been a little more inconsistent, but we can't figure out why--- are you hungry and going through a growth spurt? Do you have a little cough/cold since we hear you sneeze sometimes at night? Are you starting to teeth? We don't know for sure, but I hope we can figure out your little mysteries. No one ever told me that part of the job description of being a mommy was being a detective. Always searching, searching, searching for new things for you, the best this or that, and trying to figure out what makes you tick.
We went to see Santa on Friday. Your daddy and I both had Friday night off which rarely happens. We bundled you up in your most precious little red dress and red and white stockings and put a little red ribbon with green polka dots on it and we hit the road to see Ol' Saint Nick. The line was a little ridiculous, but you held it together and everyone loved looking at you in the line. You were the smallest one there. There was a little boy behind us who was 8 months old.... I can't believe in just four more short months you will be as big as he was! When we reached Santa, you didn't even bat an eye when we handed you off to the man in red. You didn't act scared or upset.... in fact you seemed a little bored by the whole thing. You looked at the lady shaking jingle bells at you and sighed a little bit. Oh, the things your mom and dad make you do.
You have gotten the hang of rolling from your tummy to your back pretty well (when you really want it), but mostly you love just pushing up on your hands in a mini push-up. I hold my breath every time I put you down for a nap and hope you don't start army style pushing up because that normally means a nap is not going to happen, at least not for awhile.
You are still working on rolling from your back to your stomach, though. You grunt and twist and make duck lips every time you try. You have gotten it once, maybe twice, but I bet you will really have it down in the next few weeks.
We switched your medicine from Zantac to Prevacid this week. That Zantac just wasn't doing anything. You seem to be a little happier during the day and we are crossing our fingers that this may be the change that you needed. You go back to the doctor the week after Christmas for your four month check up the week after Christmas, so I will have to add your weight then. You have to get more shots--pretty sure I will be worthless that day and the day after at work because I will just be thinking about you.
I am absolutely drooling over the fact that I will have Christmas break starting at the end of this week. This means I will have about 12 days off with you. Every. Day. Ahhh!!! My dream come true.
I will end this month's post with this thought.... Tim/Daddy asked me in line for Santa what I would ask him for if he asked what I wanted for Christmas. My response? "Nothing. I have everything I want right here." While I said it without thinking, it was completely true. I have you, I have Tim, we have our sweet family and our pets and our home. Seriously, what more could I want? I love you all so much. I day dream about you guys all day. My happiest times are when we are all together.
I love you, Lierre. Let's keep doing life and having so much fun growing together.
Love,
Mommy
You are four months old today.... and you are the absolute light of our lives. Every day that we have with you is such a blessing and we have so much to be thankful for. We had some hard events happen this week in our nation that involved some innocent children losing their lives. Every single second since, your daddy and I have held you closer and breathed in your sweet baby scent and thanked God that you are safe and healthy.
You are such a rock star this month. You have become much more vocal at times (squealing and laughing), but also have longer stretches of time where you are intently looking around the room and absorbing everything around you. When daddy or I walk in or out of a room, your sweet brown eyes follow us wherever we go.
Your naps are still very inconsistent. Some days you will get in a four hour nap. Some days you will have one twenty minute nap and that is it. I love you, dear.... but you do NOT do well without sleep. It is pretty exhausting on the days where you want to be held or lugged around from one room to the next and nothing pleases you. But, I count my blessings on those days, too.... that I get to hold you, see your smiling face when it finally peaks out from behind your grumpy clouds. At least, for the most part, you are still sleeping 12ish hours through the night. This past week has been a little more inconsistent, but we can't figure out why--- are you hungry and going through a growth spurt? Do you have a little cough/cold since we hear you sneeze sometimes at night? Are you starting to teeth? We don't know for sure, but I hope we can figure out your little mysteries. No one ever told me that part of the job description of being a mommy was being a detective. Always searching, searching, searching for new things for you, the best this or that, and trying to figure out what makes you tick.
We went to see Santa on Friday. Your daddy and I both had Friday night off which rarely happens. We bundled you up in your most precious little red dress and red and white stockings and put a little red ribbon with green polka dots on it and we hit the road to see Ol' Saint Nick. The line was a little ridiculous, but you held it together and everyone loved looking at you in the line. You were the smallest one there. There was a little boy behind us who was 8 months old.... I can't believe in just four more short months you will be as big as he was! When we reached Santa, you didn't even bat an eye when we handed you off to the man in red. You didn't act scared or upset.... in fact you seemed a little bored by the whole thing. You looked at the lady shaking jingle bells at you and sighed a little bit. Oh, the things your mom and dad make you do.
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| After seeing Santa! |
You have gotten the hang of rolling from your tummy to your back pretty well (when you really want it), but mostly you love just pushing up on your hands in a mini push-up. I hold my breath every time I put you down for a nap and hope you don't start army style pushing up because that normally means a nap is not going to happen, at least not for awhile.
You are still working on rolling from your back to your stomach, though. You grunt and twist and make duck lips every time you try. You have gotten it once, maybe twice, but I bet you will really have it down in the next few weeks.
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| Duck Lips |
You are fixated on our dog Jack lately. He walks in the room and you turn your head to follow him. I "yell" at him to leave you alone and you smile. He licks your face, I cringe and try to shove him away, and you laugh. You guys are a match made in heaven. He loves you so much and follows you to whatever room you are in. He sleeps outside of your bedroom door.
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| You bundled in your new carrier on a walk with Jack. You laughed the entire time. And then spit up all over. |
You are a big girl (at least in your mind) and have been trying to hold your bottle while you drink lately. I am thrilled when you do, and then am hit with a wave of nostalgia. What a bittersweet thing.
We switched your medicine from Zantac to Prevacid this week. That Zantac just wasn't doing anything. You seem to be a little happier during the day and we are crossing our fingers that this may be the change that you needed. You go back to the doctor the week after Christmas for your four month check up the week after Christmas, so I will have to add your weight then. You have to get more shots--pretty sure I will be worthless that day and the day after at work because I will just be thinking about you.
I am absolutely drooling over the fact that I will have Christmas break starting at the end of this week. This means I will have about 12 days off with you. Every. Day. Ahhh!!! My dream come true.
I will end this month's post with this thought.... Tim/Daddy asked me in line for Santa what I would ask him for if he asked what I wanted for Christmas. My response? "Nothing. I have everything I want right here." While I said it without thinking, it was completely true. I have you, I have Tim, we have our sweet family and our pets and our home. Seriously, what more could I want? I love you all so much. I day dream about you guys all day. My happiest times are when we are all together.
I love you, Lierre. Let's keep doing life and having so much fun growing together.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, December 7, 2012
From Daddy
It has been a very long time since I've written anything on here. Anna has done such an incredible job keeping all of you updated. Now... I'm no Anna Simmons Bloch, but I'll do my best.
It's late, cold, and rainy outside tonight. As I sit here in front of our beautifully lit Christmas tree, I just felt a rush of just how truly lucky and blessed I am. I have a wife who is incredibly loyal, caring, and appreciates the small things in life. Anna could care less about fancy clothes, expensive purses, or sparkling jewelry (except her engagement ring). She cherishes a nice dinner, falling asleep together on the couch, or playing on the floor with Lierre and me while attempting to make both of us laugh. I constantly tell Lierre that I hope she grows up to be at least half the women her mother is.
Dear Lierre:
I can't believe how much you have changed our lives. Gone are the days of sleeping late, weekend trips, and spontaneous trips to hang with friends. Since the minute you were born, you had my full attention. Even late at night or early in the morning, I find myself standing over your crib, staring at you (desperately hoping I don't wake you). I still wonder how such a beautiful miracle was placed in our home. You look so peaceful when you sleep, and every now and then you twitch due to your sweet baby dreams.
Mommy took a full-time job to make sure you get to enjoy the finer things in life such as descent clothes, a college education, and a safe place to live. Your mommy and I are one great team. We constantly talk about your future and everything we can do to make it that much easier in this hard, cruel world. It pains me to think about the first time someone insults you, doesn't want to play with you, or tells you that you're not good enough. All we can do is try and prepare you for all of the "firsts" in your life. I wish you never had to face anything negative, and your little baby dreams continued to be full of new beginnings, smiles, and excitement. I will continue to watch you sleep, at least until you are old enough to know that it's creepy and uncomfortable.
I hate that your acid reflux is getting worse again. You try to laugh, but it seems that it literally hurts you. When you arch your back, turn red, and start screaming, it cripples me. I want you to know that we are trying everything possible to take the pain away. Baby Zantac doesn't seem to work as well as it used to. I will continue to research the issue, and ask everyone in an effort to make you feel better.
I thought your smile was the most beautiful and exciting event, but then I heard and saw you laugh. Your laugh could make me smile on the worst of days. You get a bad case of hiccups every single time you laugh. The great thing right now is there is no in-between, either you break out into minutes of laughter, or remain steady as a very serious, focused little baby. Mood swings like mommy? Just so you know, when you see mommy smack daddy on the back of the head, it's for remarks such as that one. We still love one another despite the physical abuse.
Today you got to see your first lit Christmas tree. I held you as I turned it on. Your mouth literally dropped, and your pacifier fell to the floor. It was hilarious! You stared at the tree with a puzzled, yet astonished look on your face. For all you know it's a new piece of furniture.
I have the privledge of caring for you all day when I'm off and Mommy works. A normal days consists of the following events. First I hear soft, funny sounds through the monitor. Each morning I look to see you kicking away on your stomach. As soon as I enter the room, your kicks increase in speed. I always roll you over onto your back and the second you see my face, you smile with the biggest dimples. I then escort you to the changing table where your smiles instantly turn into a cry's. I quickly (I use the word "quickly" very loosely now that you have learned how to kick) change your diaper. I position you on the couch where I feed you your cold formula. That's right, cold formula. You are the only baby that prefers cold formula. God forbid I don't get the bottle to your mouth quick enough, you would think the world was ending, but to your small world, you probably think it is. I watch Boy Meets World while you eat, and I have to constantly turn you away from the TV because you love to watch it. Then you play, eat, pee, sleep, and repeat.
To get you to take a nap I have to lay you down in the corner of the crib so the top of your head is slightly touching the side. Then I place your duck pacifier, "Ducky-Yee", in your mouth. Then you scream and I have to dabble a little tummy medicine on the pacifier because you love the taste, or you spit it out and continue to scream. I follow this up with very light strokes across your face while I barely pat your back. I continue this for about ten minutes while you scream, quiet down, scream, lift your head, quiet down, scream, and so on. Again, it's all worth it because I get to watch you sleep. I get to observe my innocent, beautiful, miracle of a daughter safely enter her own dream world. I love you Lierre, I can't wait to watch you grow. Thank you for being the baby that you are. We couldn't ask for anything more.
It's late, cold, and rainy outside tonight. As I sit here in front of our beautifully lit Christmas tree, I just felt a rush of just how truly lucky and blessed I am. I have a wife who is incredibly loyal, caring, and appreciates the small things in life. Anna could care less about fancy clothes, expensive purses, or sparkling jewelry (except her engagement ring). She cherishes a nice dinner, falling asleep together on the couch, or playing on the floor with Lierre and me while attempting to make both of us laugh. I constantly tell Lierre that I hope she grows up to be at least half the women her mother is.
Dear Lierre:
I can't believe how much you have changed our lives. Gone are the days of sleeping late, weekend trips, and spontaneous trips to hang with friends. Since the minute you were born, you had my full attention. Even late at night or early in the morning, I find myself standing over your crib, staring at you (desperately hoping I don't wake you). I still wonder how such a beautiful miracle was placed in our home. You look so peaceful when you sleep, and every now and then you twitch due to your sweet baby dreams.
Mommy took a full-time job to make sure you get to enjoy the finer things in life such as descent clothes, a college education, and a safe place to live. Your mommy and I are one great team. We constantly talk about your future and everything we can do to make it that much easier in this hard, cruel world. It pains me to think about the first time someone insults you, doesn't want to play with you, or tells you that you're not good enough. All we can do is try and prepare you for all of the "firsts" in your life. I wish you never had to face anything negative, and your little baby dreams continued to be full of new beginnings, smiles, and excitement. I will continue to watch you sleep, at least until you are old enough to know that it's creepy and uncomfortable.
I hate that your acid reflux is getting worse again. You try to laugh, but it seems that it literally hurts you. When you arch your back, turn red, and start screaming, it cripples me. I want you to know that we are trying everything possible to take the pain away. Baby Zantac doesn't seem to work as well as it used to. I will continue to research the issue, and ask everyone in an effort to make you feel better.
I thought your smile was the most beautiful and exciting event, but then I heard and saw you laugh. Your laugh could make me smile on the worst of days. You get a bad case of hiccups every single time you laugh. The great thing right now is there is no in-between, either you break out into minutes of laughter, or remain steady as a very serious, focused little baby. Mood swings like mommy? Just so you know, when you see mommy smack daddy on the back of the head, it's for remarks such as that one. We still love one another despite the physical abuse.
Today you got to see your first lit Christmas tree. I held you as I turned it on. Your mouth literally dropped, and your pacifier fell to the floor. It was hilarious! You stared at the tree with a puzzled, yet astonished look on your face. For all you know it's a new piece of furniture.
I have the privledge of caring for you all day when I'm off and Mommy works. A normal days consists of the following events. First I hear soft, funny sounds through the monitor. Each morning I look to see you kicking away on your stomach. As soon as I enter the room, your kicks increase in speed. I always roll you over onto your back and the second you see my face, you smile with the biggest dimples. I then escort you to the changing table where your smiles instantly turn into a cry's. I quickly (I use the word "quickly" very loosely now that you have learned how to kick) change your diaper. I position you on the couch where I feed you your cold formula. That's right, cold formula. You are the only baby that prefers cold formula. God forbid I don't get the bottle to your mouth quick enough, you would think the world was ending, but to your small world, you probably think it is. I watch Boy Meets World while you eat, and I have to constantly turn you away from the TV because you love to watch it. Then you play, eat, pee, sleep, and repeat.
To get you to take a nap I have to lay you down in the corner of the crib so the top of your head is slightly touching the side. Then I place your duck pacifier, "Ducky-Yee", in your mouth. Then you scream and I have to dabble a little tummy medicine on the pacifier because you love the taste, or you spit it out and continue to scream. I follow this up with very light strokes across your face while I barely pat your back. I continue this for about ten minutes while you scream, quiet down, scream, lift your head, quiet down, scream, and so on. Again, it's all worth it because I get to watch you sleep. I get to observe my innocent, beautiful, miracle of a daughter safely enter her own dream world. I love you Lierre, I can't wait to watch you grow. Thank you for being the baby that you are. We couldn't ask for anything more.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
On My Mind...
I just took a deep breath because I am about to write about a few things that have been on my mind or in my heart for a little while now. These are some things that I am still working on and working through and I ask that if you are impatient with this kind of thing or have unkind thoughts to just go ahead and find something else to read. I always said if I had a blog, I would do my best to try to be honest on it. This post will have words like "breastfeeding" and "supply" and other girly things like that... let's be mature people, or move along.
It has just taken me awhile to work up the guts to write it on here.... mostly because I have not wanted to face the truths that are here with me.
Truth #1:
I am no longer breastfeeding.
To you who are reading this, you probably just skimmed over that sentence and didn't bat an eye at it. To me, however, I had to force my fingers to write it and my eyes filled up with tears.
I am no longer nursing.
I knew that working would be hard and would be hard to try to figure out how to keep up a supply while only nursing a few times a day in the afternoon. It was going pretty well, but I could tell a noticeable difference in my supply. The first days that I tried to "train" my body to only produce in the afternoons, those first few bottles I had to give Lierre were awful. Don't get me wrong, she did great. She has always been a good eater. However, each time I gave her a bottle of formula the first few times I had to distract myself with television or a phone call so that I would not notice that I was giving her formula when I had to perfectly good breasts that were ready and capable of producing milk. The times when I got settled in to feed Lierre a bottle and she instinctually turned her head towards me first instead and started rooting.... well, I just about felt like my heart was being shoved through a very tiny tube. Then, having to turn her head away and making her find the nipple on the bottle while also feeling my milk let down was even worse.
Anyways... we got used to this and for a week or two or three it worked out ok that she would take formula while I was at work and then I would nurse 1-3 times (depending on when I could get home that day). It doesn't take a genius to realize that my supply would suffer. Still, it was working and I willed myself to be ok with the fact that she was getting half and half.
Then there was one day. Tim was gone to work or something. I was alone with Lierre and she would not stop fussing. She normally eats about every three hours on the dot. She had eaten about an hour and a half earlier but would not stop crying. So I figured maybe she was hungry and decided to let her eat "early." Now, she had been crying for awhile. So maybe that is what really happened... even now I still struggle with the next parts. She was crying and crying.... she finally latched on and I started to get into the mental zone. Then, oops, she broke her latch and turned her head and started crying more. I tried again. She broke off and cried some more. My blood pressure started shooting through the roof. I tried one more time and she nursed for a few minutes before breaking off and crying her truly very sad cry. I felt awful. I finally decided to break out the formula (at this point we were trying Enfamil AR powder formula... it is ridiculously thick, hard to mix stuff). I tried as fast as I could to mix the formula and get it ready and have it warm for just a few minutes. Lierre went from sad to furious. WHY was I not feeding her already?!
I gave up on trying to get the formula warm and decided if she was that hungry, she could handle luke-warm. She happily started sucking away while I sat there shaken and confused. Had I really just stopped producing cold-turkey like that? Was she over tired? What was going on? At this point I noticed Lierre was wiggling like crazy and her red mark on her forehead was getting more red---a sure sign that an angry fit is coming. I couldn't figure it out. Well.... turns out in my rush, the powder had somehow clogged the nipple of the bottle and Lierre had been sucking for at least 5 minutes with nothing coming out. So. Had to put her down again. Clean out the bottle parts. Mix some more. At this point, Lierre was pretty inconsolable. She ended up eating way too fast, spit up, and then crashed into a long nap from being so worn out from crying. The whole ordeal probably took over an hour, which in baby time, and in baby feeding time, is like 4 days.
I proceeded to huddle in the corner of our couch and feel like the worst mother ever. Here I was, perfectly capable of producing milk and I had been choosing formula (pumping just didn't work out. That's another story). My baby was hungry and I could not meet those needs. My baby who depends on me looked at me with heartbroken eyes and I had to put her down again and again trying to "fix" her eating situation.
Tim got home. I told him that I was done. As much as it sucked to say, as hard as it was, as much as I did not want it to be so--I was done nursing. I decided in that afternoon that I would rather give her formula and be completely prepared and save a lot of stress and tears (on both ends) and fill up her tummy than try this "maybe I'm making enough milk, but maybe not" thing anymore.
And Lierre transitioned beautifully. It was almost insulting to my little ego that I had tried so hard to nurse, and there the little greedy monster was happily chowing down on a bottle.
Truth #2:
[The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.]
I however, almost 2-3 weeks later, am still working through this. I had wanted to make it to at least four months (with my goal reallllly being six months and revisiting it then). Holding off on all the benefits of breast milk, it was hard on many levels knowing that Lierre was now a "formula fed baby." I had dreamed of nursing. I got through the really hard first few weeks where it hurts every time you feed. I had DONE IT! And now I have had to stop it. Lierre doesn't mind. But it was weird having to go from being essential to not only her happiness, but her survival, to being just another person who could feed her, or not, whatever. Her fussiness level is still about the same (high) as it was when I was nursing, but there's the little part of me that worried about how she is handling the formula ("Would she still be this fussy/in pain/etc. if I was nursing?").
The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.
Just because I was not making enough milk for her to eat does not mean I was not still making some milk. The days that I stopped completely, I had started leaking. I NEVER had this problem during any time of pregnancy or any time I was exclusively nursing. This made it worse. I felt physically sick to my stomach as I had to hand express a little bit to ease the pain and to make my body stop.
I spent the next few nights googling things like "how to dry up breast milk" and "dealing with sadness over quitting nursing."
The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.
All the sites I found, even the very few that were meant to be helpful had disclaimers in the beginning, the middle, the end, the sides, everywhere about how breastmilk is the best for babies. Breastmilk is best. Breast is best. Before "giving up" on nursing, try talking to your doctor or a friend or a lactation consultant so that you make sure you make "the best" decision for your baby (aka nursing). Before you quit nursing, know that a formula fed baby can have all of these X, Y, Z issues whereas a breastfed baby has all of these A, B, C advantages! Are you sure you still want to formula feed your baby? Are you really sure? Have you tried talking to someone? You are still thinking about formula after reading all of our in-your-face facts about how it is not good for your baby? Really?! But... no, we won't give you any advice on how to handle your feelings of inadequacy, because let's be honest--that's pretty much what we think you are--inadequate. Breast is best!
Bah.
To this day, when people ask me "Do you nurse or do you formula feed?" I almost always start to answer "Oh, we breastfeed" before I remember that is no longer the truth and have to say the word "formula" like I am completely ok with it.
It is so strange. I did not love how long breastfeeding took every time (Like a solid hour every 3 hours). I have never cared if other people nursed or formula fed.... not one bit. I figured they had their reasons.
And yet... with me it is like I just can't "get ok" with it yet. I am trying, but I am not there yet. Lierre is fine and happy. It has been nice to know she can be cared for even if I am not there.
But.
It has been a very hard transition emotionally for me. That combined with my feelings of guilt over returning to work have made me a little bit of a mess.
So....I ask you now, mommas, for your experiences. Ease my conscience a little bit?
It has just taken me awhile to work up the guts to write it on here.... mostly because I have not wanted to face the truths that are here with me.
Truth #1:
I am no longer breastfeeding.
To you who are reading this, you probably just skimmed over that sentence and didn't bat an eye at it. To me, however, I had to force my fingers to write it and my eyes filled up with tears.
I am no longer nursing.
I knew that working would be hard and would be hard to try to figure out how to keep up a supply while only nursing a few times a day in the afternoon. It was going pretty well, but I could tell a noticeable difference in my supply. The first days that I tried to "train" my body to only produce in the afternoons, those first few bottles I had to give Lierre were awful. Don't get me wrong, she did great. She has always been a good eater. However, each time I gave her a bottle of formula the first few times I had to distract myself with television or a phone call so that I would not notice that I was giving her formula when I had to perfectly good breasts that were ready and capable of producing milk. The times when I got settled in to feed Lierre a bottle and she instinctually turned her head towards me first instead and started rooting.... well, I just about felt like my heart was being shoved through a very tiny tube. Then, having to turn her head away and making her find the nipple on the bottle while also feeling my milk let down was even worse.
Anyways... we got used to this and for a week or two or three it worked out ok that she would take formula while I was at work and then I would nurse 1-3 times (depending on when I could get home that day). It doesn't take a genius to realize that my supply would suffer. Still, it was working and I willed myself to be ok with the fact that she was getting half and half.
Then there was one day. Tim was gone to work or something. I was alone with Lierre and she would not stop fussing. She normally eats about every three hours on the dot. She had eaten about an hour and a half earlier but would not stop crying. So I figured maybe she was hungry and decided to let her eat "early." Now, she had been crying for awhile. So maybe that is what really happened... even now I still struggle with the next parts. She was crying and crying.... she finally latched on and I started to get into the mental zone. Then, oops, she broke her latch and turned her head and started crying more. I tried again. She broke off and cried some more. My blood pressure started shooting through the roof. I tried one more time and she nursed for a few minutes before breaking off and crying her truly very sad cry. I felt awful. I finally decided to break out the formula (at this point we were trying Enfamil AR powder formula... it is ridiculously thick, hard to mix stuff). I tried as fast as I could to mix the formula and get it ready and have it warm for just a few minutes. Lierre went from sad to furious. WHY was I not feeding her already?!
I gave up on trying to get the formula warm and decided if she was that hungry, she could handle luke-warm. She happily started sucking away while I sat there shaken and confused. Had I really just stopped producing cold-turkey like that? Was she over tired? What was going on? At this point I noticed Lierre was wiggling like crazy and her red mark on her forehead was getting more red---a sure sign that an angry fit is coming. I couldn't figure it out. Well.... turns out in my rush, the powder had somehow clogged the nipple of the bottle and Lierre had been sucking for at least 5 minutes with nothing coming out. So. Had to put her down again. Clean out the bottle parts. Mix some more. At this point, Lierre was pretty inconsolable. She ended up eating way too fast, spit up, and then crashed into a long nap from being so worn out from crying. The whole ordeal probably took over an hour, which in baby time, and in baby feeding time, is like 4 days.
I proceeded to huddle in the corner of our couch and feel like the worst mother ever. Here I was, perfectly capable of producing milk and I had been choosing formula (pumping just didn't work out. That's another story). My baby was hungry and I could not meet those needs. My baby who depends on me looked at me with heartbroken eyes and I had to put her down again and again trying to "fix" her eating situation.
Tim got home. I told him that I was done. As much as it sucked to say, as hard as it was, as much as I did not want it to be so--I was done nursing. I decided in that afternoon that I would rather give her formula and be completely prepared and save a lot of stress and tears (on both ends) and fill up her tummy than try this "maybe I'm making enough milk, but maybe not" thing anymore.
And Lierre transitioned beautifully. It was almost insulting to my little ego that I had tried so hard to nurse, and there the little greedy monster was happily chowing down on a bottle.
Truth #2:
[The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.]
I however, almost 2-3 weeks later, am still working through this. I had wanted to make it to at least four months (with my goal reallllly being six months and revisiting it then). Holding off on all the benefits of breast milk, it was hard on many levels knowing that Lierre was now a "formula fed baby." I had dreamed of nursing. I got through the really hard first few weeks where it hurts every time you feed. I had DONE IT! And now I have had to stop it. Lierre doesn't mind. But it was weird having to go from being essential to not only her happiness, but her survival, to being just another person who could feed her, or not, whatever. Her fussiness level is still about the same (high) as it was when I was nursing, but there's the little part of me that worried about how she is handling the formula ("Would she still be this fussy/in pain/etc. if I was nursing?").
The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.
Just because I was not making enough milk for her to eat does not mean I was not still making some milk. The days that I stopped completely, I had started leaking. I NEVER had this problem during any time of pregnancy or any time I was exclusively nursing. This made it worse. I felt physically sick to my stomach as I had to hand express a little bit to ease the pain and to make my body stop.
I spent the next few nights googling things like "how to dry up breast milk" and "dealing with sadness over quitting nursing."
The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.
All the sites I found, even the very few that were meant to be helpful had disclaimers in the beginning, the middle, the end, the sides, everywhere about how breastmilk is the best for babies. Breastmilk is best. Breast is best. Before "giving up" on nursing, try talking to your doctor or a friend or a lactation consultant so that you make sure you make "the best" decision for your baby (aka nursing). Before you quit nursing, know that a formula fed baby can have all of these X, Y, Z issues whereas a breastfed baby has all of these A, B, C advantages! Are you sure you still want to formula feed your baby? Are you really sure? Have you tried talking to someone? You are still thinking about formula after reading all of our in-your-face facts about how it is not good for your baby? Really?! But... no, we won't give you any advice on how to handle your feelings of inadequacy, because let's be honest--that's pretty much what we think you are--inadequate. Breast is best!
Bah.
To this day, when people ask me "Do you nurse or do you formula feed?" I almost always start to answer "Oh, we breastfeed" before I remember that is no longer the truth and have to say the word "formula" like I am completely ok with it.
It is so strange. I did not love how long breastfeeding took every time (Like a solid hour every 3 hours). I have never cared if other people nursed or formula fed.... not one bit. I figured they had their reasons.
And yet... with me it is like I just can't "get ok" with it yet. I am trying, but I am not there yet. Lierre is fine and happy. It has been nice to know she can be cared for even if I am not there.
But.
It has been a very hard transition emotionally for me. That combined with my feelings of guilt over returning to work have made me a little bit of a mess.
So....I ask you now, mommas, for your experiences. Ease my conscience a little bit?
Friday, November 30, 2012
The Plague
Before you do anything, watch this video of Lierre with your sound up. You won't regret it. If you do not laugh, something is probably wrong with you.... :)
Hello everyone. It feels like it has been forever. I feel like our family has traveled a very long, hard journey this week and back again. Let me begin in the beginning...
The Plague
Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks. Our whole family (I'd say around 20 people) got together at my brother and sister-in-law's house. It went well, everyone ate and was happy, except little Lierre who decided she could not nap there and thus went without a nap from about 1:00 until she finally caved and went to bed about 8:30 (an hour or so later than normal), exhausted and burnt out. She fussed a little bit on and off through the night. Our dog, who sleeps in our room, also had nightmares (how silly, right?) and proceeded to yelp throughout the night to the point Tim and I had to wake him up. I finally fell asleep around 5:00, only to be awoken about an hour later to the sounds of Tim violently throwing up. And then again. And then Lierre crying.
This, my friends, was the beginning of "the end." I texted my mom to complain a little bit about my lack of sleep and Tim being sick and her response was "Dad, too." Weird... my dad rarely gets that kind of sick. Over the course of the next 24 hours I learned that the following people were sick: my dad, Tim, my grandmother, my aunt, my cousin, my great aunt, and two of my nephews.
It was my brother, Evan's, birthday. His sad little birthday party got reduced to his wife, Ashley, my mom, and me (lugging around a fussy Lierre). Everyone else was sick. We congratulated ourselves for "making it out" without getting sick and kind of uncomfortably shifting since we did not know the reason why. Fast forward to the next day... Tim went back to work and Lierre proceeded to cry for two hours that afternoon. I got more and more achey. That night (Sunday) I ended up getting a 102.5 fever and felt like death. I also felt nauseous. I had to end up missing work. Which really doesn't look good in your first month.
Long story short.... my mom also started feeling bad, my brother Evan and his wife both got sick. Literally everyone, with the exception of about 5 people, got sick in my family. I had to go back to work and so did Tim. Both of us were sick. It is Friday and today is the first day I have not felt absolutely terrible. On top of that, work was the hardest it has been so far... with deadlines, and changes of schedules, and cranky full-moon students.
Lierre
I still am not sure what is going on with Lierre--whether she has a touch of this same bug or what. She spit up so much on Thanksgiving and the days surrounding it that I asked Tim to take her to the doctor on Monday. It turns out she is now 12 pounds 7.5 ounces (what a chunk) and so her Zantac dose was no longer working with her reflux (I'm still not sure it is working as it should...). I had noticed she had pulled her ears once or twice the day before so I asked if Tim would mention it to the doctor. I was worried she had an ear infection. To my dreaded dismay, she said that she was running a low-grade temperature but no ear infection--it was probably just the beginning of teething. Uh-oh. However, since Monday I have noticed her having a low fever in the 99-99.6 range every single day at some point. I have looked at her gums and do not see any swelling or redness...she does not seem any more "mouthy" (chewing on her hands or toys). Her cries have been off and she has not been "talking" as much as normal to me. Has anyone else experienced this with teething or should I march her back to the doctor and demand a second look?
Also... her sleep at night has still been pretty good, but her naps during the day have been pretty awful for the past week. She might take a morning nap from 1-3 hours, but then that might be it for the day. Sometimes we might squeeze in another hour nap with a (great day) 30 minute "snooze" late afternoon. However, where she WAS just laying down and going to sleep, now all she wants to do is lift her head and look around. She has also almost 100% mastered rolling from tummy to back so she will spend a good portion of her normal "winding down" time winding back up because she just wants to roll over again and again. Any help with this one?? I'm SO proud of her for rolling over and doing well.... but, seriously, she needs to SLEEP more during the day and we need a second to breath.
Anywho...that is all for now. If you can't tell from this choppy writing and the events listed here.... I am exhausted.
Hello everyone. It feels like it has been forever. I feel like our family has traveled a very long, hard journey this week and back again. Let me begin in the beginning...
The Plague
Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks. Our whole family (I'd say around 20 people) got together at my brother and sister-in-law's house. It went well, everyone ate and was happy, except little Lierre who decided she could not nap there and thus went without a nap from about 1:00 until she finally caved and went to bed about 8:30 (an hour or so later than normal), exhausted and burnt out. She fussed a little bit on and off through the night. Our dog, who sleeps in our room, also had nightmares (how silly, right?) and proceeded to yelp throughout the night to the point Tim and I had to wake him up. I finally fell asleep around 5:00, only to be awoken about an hour later to the sounds of Tim violently throwing up. And then again. And then Lierre crying.
 |
| The delicious turkey Tim made for our family earlier in the week. |
This, my friends, was the beginning of "the end." I texted my mom to complain a little bit about my lack of sleep and Tim being sick and her response was "Dad, too." Weird... my dad rarely gets that kind of sick. Over the course of the next 24 hours I learned that the following people were sick: my dad, Tim, my grandmother, my aunt, my cousin, my great aunt, and two of my nephews.
It was my brother, Evan's, birthday. His sad little birthday party got reduced to his wife, Ashley, my mom, and me (lugging around a fussy Lierre). Everyone else was sick. We congratulated ourselves for "making it out" without getting sick and kind of uncomfortably shifting since we did not know the reason why. Fast forward to the next day... Tim went back to work and Lierre proceeded to cry for two hours that afternoon. I got more and more achey. That night (Sunday) I ended up getting a 102.5 fever and felt like death. I also felt nauseous. I had to end up missing work. Which really doesn't look good in your first month.
Long story short.... my mom also started feeling bad, my brother Evan and his wife both got sick. Literally everyone, with the exception of about 5 people, got sick in my family. I had to go back to work and so did Tim. Both of us were sick. It is Friday and today is the first day I have not felt absolutely terrible. On top of that, work was the hardest it has been so far... with deadlines, and changes of schedules, and cranky full-moon students.
Lierre
I still am not sure what is going on with Lierre--whether she has a touch of this same bug or what. She spit up so much on Thanksgiving and the days surrounding it that I asked Tim to take her to the doctor on Monday. It turns out she is now 12 pounds 7.5 ounces (what a chunk) and so her Zantac dose was no longer working with her reflux (I'm still not sure it is working as it should...). I had noticed she had pulled her ears once or twice the day before so I asked if Tim would mention it to the doctor. I was worried she had an ear infection. To my dreaded dismay, she said that she was running a low-grade temperature but no ear infection--it was probably just the beginning of teething. Uh-oh. However, since Monday I have noticed her having a low fever in the 99-99.6 range every single day at some point. I have looked at her gums and do not see any swelling or redness...she does not seem any more "mouthy" (chewing on her hands or toys). Her cries have been off and she has not been "talking" as much as normal to me. Has anyone else experienced this with teething or should I march her back to the doctor and demand a second look?
 |
| Grumpy Gills on a walk to get out of the house. |
Also... her sleep at night has still been pretty good, but her naps during the day have been pretty awful for the past week. She might take a morning nap from 1-3 hours, but then that might be it for the day. Sometimes we might squeeze in another hour nap with a (great day) 30 minute "snooze" late afternoon. However, where she WAS just laying down and going to sleep, now all she wants to do is lift her head and look around. She has also almost 100% mastered rolling from tummy to back so she will spend a good portion of her normal "winding down" time winding back up because she just wants to roll over again and again. Any help with this one?? I'm SO proud of her for rolling over and doing well.... but, seriously, she needs to SLEEP more during the day and we need a second to breath.
 |
| One night while we were both sick....She fell asleep with her nighttime feeding and wouldn't wake up. |
Anywho...that is all for now. If you can't tell from this choppy writing and the events listed here.... I am exhausted.
 |
| Even Jack is exhausted. |
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
3 Months
Dearest Lily Leah Lierre Elizabeth,
Three months came and went on Friday.... this happened to coincide with Daddy's 32nd birthday! Overall, it was a great day for celebration--Sunshine, a Friday, a beautiful fall day. However, you were not in the party mood... Your poor tummy is still giving you trouble just about every day. Friday was no different--in fact it was a pretty bad evening until you finally called it a night and let daddy and I celebrate by eating Domino's pizza and "watching" (aka sleeping) a movie.
About a year ago, I started wondering if you were a possibility...little bits of nausea here, some funny dreams there....but I kept you a secret for fear of being thought I was "crazy" for not being able to prove something so important. When my family members joked at Thanksgiving that my nausea better not mean I was pregnant (amidst laughter), I fully denied the possibility. I also denied a glass of wine with Thanksgiving dinner and only ate about half a plate of food. You were there, little one. Smaller than a poppy seed and already changing my life.
The past month your little personality has slowly starting to peek out here and there. I heard your first real, actual giggle, followed by severe hiccups and fussiness. I knew it was your real laugh because, well, I could hear it...but also because I got the same chills, teary eyed reaction that I got the first time I saw your smile. I promise you, I could sit and watch you smile and wait for you to laugh all day every day. Sadly, your laughs are still inconsistent .... I think partially because you worry about those mean old hiccups all the time! I cannot wait until I hear the sweet peals that is your laughter every single day.
You get so angry and heartbroken and fussy when we pause from eating to try to get you to burp.... a fiery streak that tells us exactly what you think and how you feel.... I think you get this from your daddy. You do this when you think we have left you alone too long as well. I hope your sweet personality traits continue to shine through though.... sure, keep your backbone, it is wonderful to have.... but don't let your "temper" get the best of you.
You love to talk. You are very good at taking turns. Daddy and I like to pretend you are telling us about your day or the dreams that you had during your nap. It is hilarious to us when we say things like "Did you have any good dreams during your nap, Lierre?" and you start waving your arms and cooing and gurgling up a storm. We are really trying to make a conscious effort to talk to you about everything these days. Today you watched me fold clothes and I talked about all the colors of the shirts, what the parts of the shirts/pants are called (collars, buttons, zippers) and your eyes never left my face while I described it. I hope you love to learn....it will enrich your life so much.
You did not have a 3 month doctor appointment, so I'm not sure exactly how heavy you are. We tried to weigh me on the scale and then add you to my arms to see how the weight changed. Your weight is around 11ish pounds, but we can't be sure on our rickety scale. Your cheeks are much rounder, even chubby at times. I wish I knew how long you are, though... I swear you have grown at least another inch or so. It is much harder fitting you into my lap and it seems as though you take up almost the entire play mat when I lay you on it. I cannot imagine how it will be next month or months down the road, when you get so long and start to be mobile and don't want mommy as much. You really are losing the newborn look and look much more like an infant.
You are a star with sleeping. A complete champion. You are still napping a few times a day, some about 2-3 hours, others about 30 minutes. However, at night you sleep about 12-13 hours on your own. We actually have to wake you up in the mornings sometimes.... ever since you have found your thumb, that morning bottle doesn't seem quite as important. Sometimes people ask me what "method" we are using to get you to sleep... I always just kind of go "uhmmm...." and make a face. YOU, my dear, are doing this all on your own. Sure, we keep a routine as best as we can at night, but you just love sleep at night.
I have been working almost a full month and you have adjusted very well with the change. Between your grandma and daddy, you have been well taken care of and smothered in love. I have adjusted better than I thought to being at work, but I still long for you daily and have to force myself out of the door in the mornings. The best part of my day is when I finally hold you in my arms after work... it's as if I can finally breath deep.
You hate: gas.... it hurts you so bad and breaks my heart. Unexpected/Loud noises (like Jack barking)... it scares you and there have been a few times when we have had to comfort you.
You love: your bottles (you don't miss breast feeding at all....), having your daddy "bicycle" your legs while singing to you, and as always, snuggling.
New Things: You can actually be put down for little bits at a time now without getting upset right away. You have also found the television.... while this is helpful when I need to cook something, or walk outside, or run to the bathroom.... I have to physically cover your eyes sometimes until you break your concentration on the television. Eeek.
I can't believe you are three months old. That sounds SO old to me! We love you so much and I never get tired of spending time with you.... in fact, the more I am with you, the more I want to be with you. You are a breath of fresh air and I love entering this holiday season and seeing it through your eyes. Everything is so much more magical with you here.
Love always,
Momma
Three months came and went on Friday.... this happened to coincide with Daddy's 32nd birthday! Overall, it was a great day for celebration--Sunshine, a Friday, a beautiful fall day. However, you were not in the party mood... Your poor tummy is still giving you trouble just about every day. Friday was no different--in fact it was a pretty bad evening until you finally called it a night and let daddy and I celebrate by eating Domino's pizza and "watching" (aka sleeping) a movie.
About a year ago, I started wondering if you were a possibility...little bits of nausea here, some funny dreams there....but I kept you a secret for fear of being thought I was "crazy" for not being able to prove something so important. When my family members joked at Thanksgiving that my nausea better not mean I was pregnant (amidst laughter), I fully denied the possibility. I also denied a glass of wine with Thanksgiving dinner and only ate about half a plate of food. You were there, little one. Smaller than a poppy seed and already changing my life.
The past month your little personality has slowly starting to peek out here and there. I heard your first real, actual giggle, followed by severe hiccups and fussiness. I knew it was your real laugh because, well, I could hear it...but also because I got the same chills, teary eyed reaction that I got the first time I saw your smile. I promise you, I could sit and watch you smile and wait for you to laugh all day every day. Sadly, your laughs are still inconsistent .... I think partially because you worry about those mean old hiccups all the time! I cannot wait until I hear the sweet peals that is your laughter every single day.
You get so angry and heartbroken and fussy when we pause from eating to try to get you to burp.... a fiery streak that tells us exactly what you think and how you feel.... I think you get this from your daddy. You do this when you think we have left you alone too long as well. I hope your sweet personality traits continue to shine through though.... sure, keep your backbone, it is wonderful to have.... but don't let your "temper" get the best of you.
You love to talk. You are very good at taking turns. Daddy and I like to pretend you are telling us about your day or the dreams that you had during your nap. It is hilarious to us when we say things like "Did you have any good dreams during your nap, Lierre?" and you start waving your arms and cooing and gurgling up a storm. We are really trying to make a conscious effort to talk to you about everything these days. Today you watched me fold clothes and I talked about all the colors of the shirts, what the parts of the shirts/pants are called (collars, buttons, zippers) and your eyes never left my face while I described it. I hope you love to learn....it will enrich your life so much.
You did not have a 3 month doctor appointment, so I'm not sure exactly how heavy you are. We tried to weigh me on the scale and then add you to my arms to see how the weight changed. Your weight is around 11ish pounds, but we can't be sure on our rickety scale. Your cheeks are much rounder, even chubby at times. I wish I knew how long you are, though... I swear you have grown at least another inch or so. It is much harder fitting you into my lap and it seems as though you take up almost the entire play mat when I lay you on it. I cannot imagine how it will be next month or months down the road, when you get so long and start to be mobile and don't want mommy as much. You really are losing the newborn look and look much more like an infant.
You are a star with sleeping. A complete champion. You are still napping a few times a day, some about 2-3 hours, others about 30 minutes. However, at night you sleep about 12-13 hours on your own. We actually have to wake you up in the mornings sometimes.... ever since you have found your thumb, that morning bottle doesn't seem quite as important. Sometimes people ask me what "method" we are using to get you to sleep... I always just kind of go "uhmmm...." and make a face. YOU, my dear, are doing this all on your own. Sure, we keep a routine as best as we can at night, but you just love sleep at night.
I have been working almost a full month and you have adjusted very well with the change. Between your grandma and daddy, you have been well taken care of and smothered in love. I have adjusted better than I thought to being at work, but I still long for you daily and have to force myself out of the door in the mornings. The best part of my day is when I finally hold you in my arms after work... it's as if I can finally breath deep.
You hate: gas.... it hurts you so bad and breaks my heart. Unexpected/Loud noises (like Jack barking)... it scares you and there have been a few times when we have had to comfort you.
You love: your bottles (you don't miss breast feeding at all....), having your daddy "bicycle" your legs while singing to you, and as always, snuggling.
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| Daddy bicycling your legs on his birthday |
New Things: You can actually be put down for little bits at a time now without getting upset right away. You have also found the television.... while this is helpful when I need to cook something, or walk outside, or run to the bathroom.... I have to physically cover your eyes sometimes until you break your concentration on the television. Eeek.
I can't believe you are three months old. That sounds SO old to me! We love you so much and I never get tired of spending time with you.... in fact, the more I am with you, the more I want to be with you. You are a breath of fresh air and I love entering this holiday season and seeing it through your eyes. Everything is so much more magical with you here.
Love always,
Momma
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Satisfying Saturday
I have had many people ask me how work went this week... my first full week back to work. Well... I will get to that later. For now it is time for pictures of a wonderful, simple Saturday.
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| After keeping me up on and off all night, Lierre refused to wake up Saturday morning |
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| First time in the Bumbo!! |
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| "What is this thing, mom?" |
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| "Iiiiiiii don't know about this!" |
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| "Ehhhh....." |
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| "Get me out of this thing!" |
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| "Get me out NOW!" |
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| "Hehehe.... I got mom so good. I'm just fine!" |
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| On a warm Saturday walk in the stroller |
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| Be still my heart. |
And then Tim and I got to go on our first date since Lierre was born. We tried a movie one time, but we were rushed the whole time, the movie ended up being depressing, and overall it wasn't that great. So! Last night Aunt Ashley and Uncle Evan came to watch Lierre so we could go out. We went to MJ's Steak and Seafood. It was so calm and peaceful and deeeelicious. For those of you who don't know, it is set up in what looks like an old house. I think it may have been at some point. We sat upstairs (think old house with wooden floors), on a little table meant for two with a white table cloth (big deal, you guys) and ate steak and mashed potatoes and salad and risotto and bread and got completely stuffed... and then we were exhausted (Thank you, little lady, for your disjointed sleep the night before). In fact, when the waitress came to give us our check, I was leaning with my head against the wall and Tim had his head resting on his hands. We are such old people.
We then went to Menchie's for some frozen yogurt. Tim and the owners get along pretty well and they appreciate Tim's help watching the area while he works, so the owner took us "backstage" and showed us where they store all the ingredients, how everything they use they try to use "green" materials that are safe or biodegrade, and all the fancy ways they keep their yogurt fresh and ready. It was seriously super clean and more organized than most classrooms (of semi-organized teachers). Pretty cool stuff.
I wish I had gotten a picture of us, but we were just so excited to GO that we didn't even think.
And then I was about to get into bed after our date and found this......
I am married to a five year old. Tim's idea of a funny joke. I have to admit, it did get me a little!! =]
Overall, yesterday was a wonderful Saturday! Now I'm going to enjoy my Sunday AND Monday (yay long weekend) with my loves.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Doctor Update
Woops... I just realized I never updated after Lierre's 2 month doctor appointment.
Weight: 10 pounds 5.5 ounces.... 15-20th percentile (down from the 50th percentile). I asked the doctor if this was a concern. She said she was not worried, but they'd compare next time, just to make sure she is gaining the appropriate amount of weight.
Length: 23 inches (up from 22 inches... a whole inch in a month...eeek). This is the 50th percentile, although it feels like she is about a foot longer.
Shots: Lierre actually seemed to cry less (or at least in a less sad way) than her one month shots. She just held her breath for awhile, turned bright red, then let out a scream. As soon as she was picked up and/or nursing, she was fine. She did get a little fever later in the evening, but after a dose of Tylenol, she was fine. Phew. What a weight off my mind that she did well.
In other news:
I go back to work in two, count 'em two, days. I've pretty much just cried on and off for a few days. At times, it seems completely doable and I am so thankful for this opportunity and excited. Then, five minutes, or two hours, or 3 hours later, it seems completely impossible---both emotionally and situationally. HOW am I going to plan lessons for 7 completely different students at different ages and developmental levels? HOW can do I do these lessons at home when I have a needy little one who constantly needs to be held? HOW will I handle seeing Lierre only twoish to fourish hours a day before she goes to sleep? HOW will I handle missing so much of her development day to day? HOW will I be able to teach at my best when there are times I am up on and off from 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. onward? HOW will I be able to make myself walk out the door when my sweet angel is still in bed and won't see me again until dinner? HOW is this formula all day while mommas at work then nursing at night going to work out?
. . . . . . I seriously have so many "How??" questions tumbling around in my head and my heart that I do not have the answers to. I do know the "Why?" though.... it is so that we can give Lierre all that she needs. So that she will have opportunities now (zoo trips, new clothes, formula, days out) and in the future (college).
I will have to do my best to keep that in mind. Remind me of that, ok readers? And please, please pray for me, and for our family as we transition into this new chapter of life.
Weight: 10 pounds 5.5 ounces.... 15-20th percentile (down from the 50th percentile). I asked the doctor if this was a concern. She said she was not worried, but they'd compare next time, just to make sure she is gaining the appropriate amount of weight.
Length: 23 inches (up from 22 inches... a whole inch in a month...eeek). This is the 50th percentile, although it feels like she is about a foot longer.
Shots: Lierre actually seemed to cry less (or at least in a less sad way) than her one month shots. She just held her breath for awhile, turned bright red, then let out a scream. As soon as she was picked up and/or nursing, she was fine. She did get a little fever later in the evening, but after a dose of Tylenol, she was fine. Phew. What a weight off my mind that she did well.
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| Lierre loving on her Wubbanub |
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| A blurry half-smile I caught the other day |
In other news:
I go back to work in two, count 'em two, days. I've pretty much just cried on and off for a few days. At times, it seems completely doable and I am so thankful for this opportunity and excited. Then, five minutes, or two hours, or 3 hours later, it seems completely impossible---both emotionally and situationally. HOW am I going to plan lessons for 7 completely different students at different ages and developmental levels? HOW can do I do these lessons at home when I have a needy little one who constantly needs to be held? HOW will I handle seeing Lierre only twoish to fourish hours a day before she goes to sleep? HOW will I handle missing so much of her development day to day? HOW will I be able to teach at my best when there are times I am up on and off from 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. onward? HOW will I be able to make myself walk out the door when my sweet angel is still in bed and won't see me again until dinner? HOW is this formula all day while mommas at work then nursing at night going to work out?
. . . . . . I seriously have so many "How??" questions tumbling around in my head and my heart that I do not have the answers to. I do know the "Why?" though.... it is so that we can give Lierre all that she needs. So that she will have opportunities now (zoo trips, new clothes, formula, days out) and in the future (college).
I will have to do my best to keep that in mind. Remind me of that, ok readers? And please, please pray for me, and for our family as we transition into this new chapter of life.
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| Our morning snuggle today...How I will miss this! |
Saturday, October 27, 2012
What's My Age Again?
"My friends say I should act my age.... what's my age again? What's my age again?"--Blink 182
Tim and I walked in as they announced us after our wedding to this Blink 182 song "What's My Age Again?" We chose this song (mostly) because it's Tim's favorite band, but also to sort of poke fun at our age difference. Age has never been important to us, and if you are around us you wouldn't be able to tell that there are a solid 7-8 years between us (depending on what time of year you ask).
Anyways... age has been on my mind lately. No, no, this isn't a "woe is me I'm getting older" type post. It's just, I am feeling so comfortable in my own skin and yet I feel like I don't fit in to any kind of age group. Let me elaborate a little. . .
I wake up early, hearing my baby's cries. I hate the morning, I'm not a morning person, but I've been forced into being a morning person since August. I'm still tired, still physically worn out from the day before and moan and groan and feel like I'm at least in my 40's (Not old, just older than me). Yet, I'm getting used to this "morning person" thing and have some energy that starts to course through my body as I gear up for the day... It reminds me of when I was a child in elementary school, maybe 7 or 8, and actually enjoyed the mornings and wondered why my teenage brothers had to sleep so late.
I take care of Lierre for a little while and then leave her with Tim to go for a short jog. I hate running. However, as I get into the zone, the horizon doesn't seem so far away and I feel how young I am and really embrace this mid-20's thing. I still have a chance to get back to some kind of body I might want to show off.
Later that day I will talk to a friend about their week/weekend and how they went out clubbing or about some new guy they met, some bad decisions they made (the fun kind like staying up all night and sleeping all day) and I feel like such a parent.... like I may as well be 50 and they are my children and I am both shaking my head at how silly they were, and feeling a slight twinge of envy at that freedom. The freedom to make really stupid decisions without it really adding up to much.
Speed ahead to later that day, where I am a first year teacher trying to figure out as much as possible without coming across as completely incompetent (when are they going to catch on to the fact that I'm "just a kid" and whyohwhyaretheylettingmeteachtheirchildren?) and ask the right questions and appear as unfazed by the huge job that has been handed to me.... and I feel like I'm a teenager about to be left with a huge group of children to babysit for a measly $7.50 an hour and "Sure, I'm totally fine with this! Go enjoy your date while I try to wrangle these children without somehow inadvertently killing them."
I deal with Fibromyalgia on a daily basis. I don't like talking about it much, there's nothing to really do about it, but there are times where I think if I have to do one more thing, if I have to stand up or pick Lierre up one more time, or clean, that my arms will fall off and my joints will catch on fire and I will be certain to get a fever because I already feel like I have the flu....and I feel like I'm in my 70s. I long for the days where pain wasn't constantly right around the corner (don't get me wrong, I have it so much better than some people with Fibro, but it still stinks).
Tim and I will be sitting on the couch, half asleep, forming jumbled sentences in our harried states of mind, and I feel like he and I have been married for years and years and years.... and then he pulls me into a snuggle and kisses my forehead and I am reminded how we are still "newlyweds" and I feel young and so thankful to have so much time left.
Age. I could go on and on about the constant see-saw I feel like I'm on lately, but I've already rambled without really having a point.... Age. What a tricky thing.
Monday, October 22, 2012
2 Months
My dearest little bird,
Your least favorite things: remain the same: being put down, paci falling out of your mouth, or cold.
I can't wait to see how much you grow and change from now until three months. But take your time, sweet girl. Don't rush this time too much, we are enjoying it and would be perfectly happy with it taking a little longer. We continue to be wrapped around your finger. You light up our lives day to day and we love you so much!
Happy 2 months (a week late)!!! Two months, two months. You have grown and changed and... matured so much from one month to two. You up and decided around week seven to suddenly start putting yourself down for naps. No more 30 second to 5 minute cat naps for you, sister.... you went all the way into at least a two to four hour nap a day, followed by a little eating, just to go back down for about another hour. The times this happens each day has been a little different day to day, but for the most part we are getting into a rhythm, for which I am so thankful. Your momma was about to pull her hair out with your lack of sleep and fussy ways.
You are so much happier with your sleep---until we put you down or your paci falls out (which happens about every 30 seconds). This still sends you from zero to freak out in about two minutes or less generally. Well. We are working on it. You figured out naps, so I'm sure you will figure this out, too.... You are teaching me more than I am teaching you for sure.
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| The last time you wore these pjs... You are officially too big! |
We were supposed to get your two month shots today, but as I got up and started getting ready, they had to reschedule for the end of the week. Despite my annoyance at the change of plans, I was secretly relieved--I have been dreading you getting this shots so much! Everyone says they will be harder on me than on you--I am sure they are right. So, because we didn't go to the doctor, your weight and length updates will have to wait.
I am going to start work next week and even though it is something I have worked for, the thought of leaving you is so hard for mommy. It has made me hold on to you a little bit longer and a little tighter each day. I went to meet the principal of my new school and wander the school for awhile this week, and when I came back you were having a royal fit that carried on throughout the rest of the day until you went to bed that night. It makes me that much more nervous to leave you! I cannot wait until we are all on some kind of schedule. Daddy and Gramma are going to be watching you while I work, at least until Christmas--we all agree you are just too little to head to childcare just yet. Even though I know you will be in good hands, this does not stop the lump from forming in my throat or my eyes from watering as I lay you down in your crib for bed, knowing my 24/7 momma time is running out like sand in an hour glass. Time with you is so precious. I soak up every second and am so honored to be your mom.
New Things: You have started smiling between one month and two and it was so beautiful the first time I saw it, tears gathered in my eyes--Your whole face transforms into this sunburst that lights up the room. You have the most adorable dimples that I hope stay with you forever!
You have also started playing on your play mat in the floor almost every day. You love to look at the little animals hanging from it, but surprisingly are not interested in the mirror at all. This is about the only place I can leave you "alone" without you crying that you are not being held.
We went to your first "restaurant" this past week--- Lox, Stock, and Bagel. You cried and fussed until I held you. It was very hard to eat a messy sandwich with you in my arms. Tonight we went to Olive Garden with Gramma and you were *wonderful* and slept in your car sleep most of the time.
For the last 3 nights, you have slept between 8 and 12 hours without waking up for a feeding. This is incredible, but the first two nights your daddy and I lay awake worried about you, but determined to see if you could do it. You continue to shock us with this one!
Your favorite things: Lately, your afternoon naps. Keep it up!
-Still, any kind of music. Your favorites lately? K-Love Christian station on the radio..... and Blink 182--the louder the better. It somehow sends you right into a dozing state in the car.
-You love your play mat and start to kick your feet when I lay you down on the brightly colored animal prints that make up the mat.
-You have loved being outside for any reason since we brought you home from the hospital and that has not changed. It can stop your cries in their tracks. It makes me wonder what you will do as you get older.... maybe something that involves nature or the environment?
-You love when daddy holds you with your feet in the air and your head/chest on his shoulder.... your body parallel to the ground. We think maybe it feels good on your tummy.
Your least favorite things: remain the same: being put down, paci falling out of your mouth, or cold.
I can't wait to see how much you grow and change from now until three months. But take your time, sweet girl. Don't rush this time too much, we are enjoying it and would be perfectly happy with it taking a little longer. We continue to be wrapped around your finger. You light up our lives day to day and we love you so much!
Friday, October 19, 2012
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