On My Mind...

I just took a deep breath because I am about to write about a few things that have been on my mind or in my heart for a little while now. These are some things that I am still working on and working through and I ask that if you are impatient with this kind of thing or have unkind thoughts to just go ahead and find something else to read. I always said if I had a blog, I would do my best to try to be honest on it. This post will have words like "breastfeeding" and "supply" and other girly things like that... let's be mature people, or move along.


It has just taken me awhile to work up the guts to write it on here.... mostly because I have not wanted to face the truths that are here with me.

Truth #1:
I am no longer breastfeeding.
To you who are reading this, you probably just skimmed over that sentence and didn't bat an eye at it. To me, however, I had to force my fingers to write it and my eyes filled up with tears.
I am no longer nursing.
I knew that working would be hard and would be hard to try to figure out how to keep up a supply while only nursing a few times a day in the afternoon. It was going pretty well, but I could tell a noticeable difference in my supply. The first days that I tried to "train" my body to only produce in the afternoons, those first few bottles I had to give Lierre were awful. Don't get me wrong, she did great. She has always been a good eater. However, each time I gave her a bottle of formula the first few times I had to distract myself with television or a phone call so that I would not notice that I was giving her formula when I had to perfectly good breasts that were ready and capable of producing milk. The times when I got settled in to feed Lierre a bottle and she instinctually turned her head towards me first instead and started rooting.... well, I just about felt like my heart was being shoved through a very tiny tube. Then, having to turn her head away and making her find the nipple on the bottle while also feeling my milk let down was even worse.

Anyways... we got used to this and for a week or two or three it worked out ok that she would take formula while I was at work and then I would nurse 1-3 times (depending on when I could get home that day). It doesn't take a genius to realize that my supply would suffer. Still, it was working and I willed myself to be ok with the fact that she was getting half and half.

Then there was one day. Tim was gone to work or something. I was alone with Lierre and she would not stop fussing. She normally eats about every three hours on the dot. She had eaten about an hour and a half earlier but would not stop crying. So I figured maybe she was hungry and decided to let her eat "early." Now, she had been crying for awhile. So maybe that is what really happened... even now I still struggle with the next parts. She was crying and crying.... she finally latched on and I started to get into the mental zone. Then, oops, she broke her latch and turned her head and started crying more. I tried again. She broke off and cried some more. My blood pressure started shooting through the roof. I tried one more time and she nursed for a few minutes before breaking off and crying her truly very sad cry. I felt awful. I finally decided to break out the formula (at this point we were trying Enfamil AR powder formula... it is ridiculously thick, hard to mix stuff). I tried as fast as I could to mix the formula and get it ready and have it warm for just a few minutes. Lierre went from sad to furious. WHY was I not feeding her already?!

 I gave up on trying to get the formula warm and decided if she was that hungry, she could handle luke-warm. She happily started sucking away while I sat there shaken and confused. Had I really just stopped producing cold-turkey like that? Was she over tired? What was going on? At this point I noticed Lierre was wiggling like crazy and her red mark on her forehead was getting more red---a sure sign that an angry fit is coming. I couldn't figure it out. Well.... turns out in my rush, the powder had somehow clogged the nipple of the bottle and Lierre had been sucking for at least 5 minutes with nothing coming out. So. Had to put her down again. Clean out the bottle parts. Mix some more. At this point, Lierre was pretty inconsolable. She ended up eating way too fast, spit up, and then crashed into a long nap from being so worn out from crying. The whole ordeal probably took over an hour, which in baby time, and in baby feeding time, is like 4 days.

I proceeded to huddle in the corner of our couch and feel like the worst mother ever. Here I was, perfectly capable of producing milk and I had been choosing formula (pumping just didn't work out. That's another story). My baby was hungry and I could not meet those needs. My baby who depends on me looked at me with heartbroken eyes and I had to put her down again and again trying to "fix" her eating situation.

Tim got home. I told him that I was done. As much as it sucked to say, as hard as it was, as much as I did not want it to be so--I was done nursing. I decided in that afternoon that I would rather give her formula and be completely prepared and save a lot of stress and tears (on both ends) and fill up her tummy than try this "maybe I'm making enough milk, but maybe not" thing anymore.

And Lierre transitioned beautifully. It was almost insulting to my little ego that I had tried so hard to nurse, and there the little greedy monster was happily chowing down on a bottle.

Truth #2: 
[The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.]

I however, almost 2-3 weeks later, am still working through this. I had wanted to make it to at least four months (with my goal reallllly being six months and revisiting it then). Holding off on all the benefits of breast milk, it was hard on many levels knowing that Lierre was now a "formula fed baby." I had dreamed of nursing. I got through the really hard first few weeks where it hurts every time you feed. I had DONE IT! And now I have had to stop it. Lierre doesn't mind. But it was weird having to go from being essential to not only her happiness, but her survival, to being just another person who could feed her, or not, whatever. Her fussiness level is still about the same (high) as it was when I was nursing, but there's the little part of me that worried about how she is handling the formula ("Would she still be this fussy/in pain/etc. if I was nursing?").

The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.

Just because I was not making enough milk for her to eat does not mean I was not still making some milk. The days that I stopped completely, I had started leaking. I NEVER had this problem during any time of pregnancy or any time I was exclusively nursing. This made it worse. I felt physically sick to my stomach as I had to hand express a little bit to ease the pain and to make my body stop.

I spent the next few nights googling things like "how to dry up breast milk" and "dealing with sadness over quitting nursing."

The world does not approve of a formula feeding momma.

All the sites I found, even the very few that were meant to be helpful had disclaimers in the beginning, the middle, the end, the sides, everywhere about how breastmilk is the best for babies. Breastmilk is best. Breast is best. Before "giving up" on nursing, try talking to your doctor or a friend or a lactation consultant so that you make sure you make "the best" decision for your baby (aka nursing). Before you quit nursing, know that a formula fed baby can have all of these X, Y, Z issues whereas a breastfed baby has all of these A, B, C advantages! Are you sure you still want to formula feed your baby? Are you really sure? Have you tried talking to someone? You are still thinking about formula after reading all of our in-your-face facts about how it is not good for your baby? Really?! But... no, we won't give you any advice on how to handle your feelings of inadequacy, because let's be honest--that's pretty much what we think you are--inadequate. Breast is best!

Bah.

To this day, when people ask me "Do you nurse or do you formula feed?" I almost always start to answer "Oh, we breastfeed" before I remember that is no longer the truth and have to say the word "formula" like I am completely ok with it.

It is so strange. I did not love how long breastfeeding took every time (Like a solid hour every 3 hours). I have never cared if other people nursed or formula fed.... not one bit. I figured they had their reasons.

And yet... with me it is like I just can't "get ok" with it yet. I am trying, but I am not there yet. Lierre is fine and happy. It has been nice to know she can be cared for even if I am not there.

But.

It has been a very hard transition emotionally for me. That combined with my feelings of guilt over returning to work have made me a little bit of a mess.

So....I ask you now, mommas, for your experiences. Ease my conscience a little bit?