Questions For Your Answers

Ever since I told the world that I was going to be a Daddy, I got the same old questions of "Was it planned?" or "Do you want a boy or girl?"  I also got "Is it's first name Building or Road (Think about it)?" and "Hopefully it's human."  So in this post I am going to answer the real and sideways questions I have been asked.

Q) Do you want a boy or girl?

A)  I truly just want our baby to be healthy (I used to hear this cliche answer and cringe, but now i totally understand).

Q) What if it's twins?

A) Anna and I are strong enough to handle such a "blessed" occasion.

Q) Why didn't you wait a little longer to enjoy marriage?

A) Although Anna and I have enjoyed marriage more than life itself, adding a little one would only make our marriage that much happier and complete.

Q) Was all of this planned?

A)

 

- Purchased three months earlier (Please note that there is no back seat)

Although not "planned", we knew it was a very strong possibility--and we are adults, we know where babies come from.

Q) How many kids do you want?

A) That's like asking how many scoops of ice cream do you want in your cone.  Your brain says 3, but then you remember how messy, costly, and immobile you must be to enjoy three.  So why not start with one, and if you want more go back and get some.

Q) Do you want your kids to play sports?

A) Yes, but let the child choose after they have seen all the options.  Those of you who are close to me, know how much ice hockey is a part of my life.  From a player, coach, ref, pro shop owner; The network I have built is crazy.  My closest friends I met playing hockey.  I would love my kid to play hockey, boy or girl, but I know there is a good chance that may not happen.  I do, however, truly believe it's very important to be a part of something such as a sport, church, band, etc.  

Q) What song sums up this time of your life (OK....nobody asked me that, but those of you who know me are aware of my obsession with music)

A) 

Q) Are you scared and/or nervous?

A) Noooooooooooo, this is an everyday thing and I'll just go with the flow.......

YES I'M SCARED AND NERVOUS!!  I always tell Anna there is "good" scared and "bad" scared.  This is a good scared.  Between furniture, money, insurance, college funds, diapers, and everything else that comes with being a parent, it scares me.  What keeps me grounded is the fact that I'm nervous, which is a good thing, if i wasn't, then I would have some issues.

Q) Would you want your child to be a police officer if given the option?

A) Yes, if they do it for the right reasons

Q) Are they going to mow the lawn

A) Yes

Q) Are they going to take out the garbage?

A) Yes

Sometimes, music is the only way to figure out life.

So, readers. There will be 2-3 main ideas in this post that may get a little tangled together, but that's just how life is. Just kind of a tangled mess sometimes.

First, ever since seeing our sweet baby on the ultrasound machine this week, it has been so much more real to me than ever before. And it is awesome. AND.... it is terrifying. I have not really allowed myself to fully delve into my daydreams about this baby. Yes, I have talked about it and yes, I have barked at Tim (at least in the earliest stages) that "No, I will not keep my guard up, this is our baby and I love it! I don't care how early in the pregnancy it is!" But I have not thought of myself as "mom" yet... and in the sweet pregnancy journal Tim got for me for Christmas, I always write I/me or Tim.... never mommy or daddy, even though that's who the journal is for... OUR baby who will be reading something written by mommy and daddy. There you go, Tim--that is one of my versions of "keeping my guard up." Fear is ugly. Fear is not love. I have listened to this song so many times since finding out I'm pregnant and every time I tear up. You sweet baby, are worth all of me.

It talks about "broken hearts" and "tears".... but in my pregnant mommy mind, those tears are from being sick all the time, of constantly being tired, etc. I'm hoping that's the only pain we will ever (ha) have to endure at the sake of our baby. Anyways.... I love you, little one. Every day brings us closer to knowing you, knowing your expressions, who you take after.... We can't wait. My favorite line from this song? "Heaven brought you to this moment/it's too wonderful to speak/You're worth all of me/ So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed/ you're worth all of me." 

Secondly, I have been dealing with a whole new set of challenges in my work and/or personal life.  I have been knocked on my butt in a way that I rarely have been before. It has been unnerving, stressful, scary, obnoxious.... and has made me cling to my faith all that much harder. I knew going into these situations that I would be sure to grow--but that has not made me any happier about it. I knew that I would need to lean on God more. I knew that my prayer output would shoot up. However... knowing something and believing/experiencing something are different. I have been fighting God's plan for me (trying to ignore/accept all of the daily Bible verses I receive via email every day--each and every one centering around God's will, God's plan for my life, to trust Him etc), and calling out to him in equal measure.  Thank goodness I have a God who is unshakeable. Who is relentless in his pursuit of me. Who never changes----when all the rest of my world is changing, good or bad, he remains the same day after day. I could never do these things on my own. Why do we fight growing so much? 

I heard this song on the radio on the way home the other day and it fit so well. "You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me.... you are peace, you are peace, when my fear is crippling." I had just been driving there grumpy, full of mean thoughts, full of fear.... ok, ok God. You've got me. Youuuu winnnn. 

Third, onto pregnancy stuff! I forgot to mention that we found out the other day that we will learn if our baby is a boy or a girl on MARCH 23!!!!!!! So close, so far. I will be 18 weeks and 2 days when we find out (I think). Today, however, I am officially at 11 weeks. 

Some stats: 

Baby's size: A little over an inch and a half--about the size of a fig. (Copied from Babycenter.com->) Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden.

She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.

Cravings: I am missing Subway/Jersey Mikes/Boar's Head Turkey sandwiches more and more everyday. 

Sickness: I am feeling a little better each day, although some sights/sounds of foods still send me running. I am hoping I am leaving this stage behind very soon. 

Emotions:  Ha ha ha. What a rollercoaster. I personally think I've been doing ok (don't ask Tim!), but this is how it goes-- Really sad story on the news? I feel down, but I'm ok. Having to lay down the law at school even though it's scary? Ehh, stressful, but I am good. Have someone say something hateful to me? Dwell on it later, but hold it together. Tim voicing that he wished out house was cleaner and/or that  the dishes were done (not towards me at all)??? I sit in the bathroom and cry for about 30 minutes and go over every way in my head that I'm messing up. Proceed to wash my face, and feel fine for the rest of the night. 

Yeeeeesh. I apologize to anyone who might ever set me off. It's not you. It's me. 

Our cat Ashley--sorry it's sideways. She clings to me all the time since I became pregnant. It is weird.

Sweetest pup in the world who makes it hard to leave in the morning.

---Anna

Our kid has got ups

So, today at what was just to be a routine girly doctor visit, I got a little surprise--they wheeled in a little mini-ultrasound machine (not nearly as fancy as the one we got the picture from) into the room and proceeded to give me a quick peek at our little one. Since this was just supposed to be a normal doctor's visit, Tim didn't come with me... as excited as I was, my heart sunk and I thought "I am so sorry, Tim." I knew how badly he would have wanted to be there.....

Anyways, I got to see our little one's hands and saw him/her move! It looked like it was trying to jump in a complete circle (think like moving around a clock kind of jump, or like a dolphin)... boy could our kiddo move! It is so strange to think I have something living inside of me, off of me, and is moving and I can't even feel it!

After all of this while waiting to chat with the doctor, (dum da dummm) Tim showed up, as a complete surprise to me!... And was told almost immediately that he needed to have his blood checked so we could figure out his blood type (just to make sure baby's blood and mine mesh). Poor guy. Working all day, trying to support me, getting his blood taken.

This is for you, Timmy. All the times I watched this in high school I always wondered if I would find someone to fit the bill, and here you were all along.  I'm so glad I get to experience life with you.

SURPRISE - ITS A BABY.... I think (From Daddy)

Hmmmm..where to start?  How about the morning I found out that I may or may not be a dad.  I was in a deep, deep sleep at about 9:23 AM.  How do I remember the time you ask?   It was seven minutes before I had to get up for work!  Anna has the unbelievable knack for knowing when I am finally getting some sleep, and rips it away from me quicker than the Jets chance of winning the Superbowl.   

I know Anna went through the morning already, but I want to add my thoughts, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.  At 9:23 I hear "Tim, I don't want you to panic but I need you to get up."  My first thought was "I have to buy a ticket to NY right away because my family is going to need me to deal with this death, whoever it may be."  Anna went on to say "I took a pregnancy test."  My reaction was "why did you do that", followed by a blank stare from Anna.  Anna asked me to come to the bathroom and help her look, because she thinks she saw two lines.  I wondered why she just didn't bring it into the room with her.  As all of you know, of course, you can't move or dip a pregnancy test - Stupid me!

I observed one solid, dark, apparent, bold line.  The second line was very, very faint.  I said "no way, I'm going back to bed."  I will not go into detail about the next seven minutes of my sleep.  Anna did a pretty good job already explaining the rest of that morning as I went to work.

It was a busy day at work. I was very worried about Anna.  I know how bad she wanted to be pregnant.  I know how bad she wanted to be a mom.  I know a child would bring years and years of smiles to her face.  I also knew that this "positive" test could be false, and Anna would be extremely disappointed.  The kind of disappointment you feel in your bones every time Anna would tear up.  At first I asked Anna to wait for me to take another test.  I called back quickly and asked her to take another test right away, I just couldn't wait.

My feelings or excitement never came into play.  I just wanted to be with Anna good or bad.  While driving to a call with lights and sirens, Anna called me.  She explained that the digital test was positive.  I did not have time to take in the information because I had just arrived on my call.  I just found out I was going to be a dad, and I had to deal with a guy trying to kill himself.  I put aside what I had just learned, and worked with the guy to drop his weapon, and was able to send him with EMS.  About five other units showed up.  I walked out the door with my sergeant, and I guess I was smiling.  My sergeant, one of my closest friends, knew something was up.  I told him "Man, I just found out I'm going to be a dad."   My sergeant yelled "Get out of here", starting to hug me, and was yelling.  So we were just dealing with a guy trying to kill himself, EMS, family, and five police officers all witnessed us hugging and yelling with smiles.  They probably thought "Man, it's our job to save people, no need to celebrate like that."  My sergeant was the first person I told.

I couldn't wait to leave work and be with my wife.  That was a fun night.

You're going to be a....confused?

So, you know how the top of our blog says "...as we stumble our way through...?" Well, that's kind of how this post is going to go. The day(s) that we figured out I was pregnant I had the awesome thought of "I should write this down--I will love it forever and will show it to our future baby!" I did write down most of it, however jumbled it was. I knew I was going to want to write this post this weekend. I then proceeded to leave the notebook with this story at work....so all of that planning and now I must go off of memory alone.

The big day that we found out was December 6th. . . and 7th. But we should start a little bit before this, too. So that you get the whole picture. So that you can feel crazy the way I did before I found out.

I'm 99.9% sure of the ...er .... the uh, day that it "happened." I'm completely comfortable talking about this kind of stuff, but the thought of my family reading this is making me kind of... cringe haha. Anyways, shortly after it happened, it was Thanksgiving. I got very car sick on the way to my parents house, which is only about 15 minutes from our house. Those of you who know me well know that I can get carsick at the drop of a hat, but this felt different to me. But then I also thought how insane I was to even throw around the idea of my sickness being anything else so soon after. My dad gave me the strangest look when I said I felt sick and joked about I better not be that kind of sick, har har har. We both adamantly assured him he had nothing to worry about, but even as I said it, the back of my head was whispering and poking and nudging saying "That is a lie." I proceeded to eat only one plate or so of Thanksgiving deliciousness and wondered why I didn't want anything else. My sister-in-law offered me a glass of wine and I turned it down. I don't normally drink really anyways, but I joked in my head "Ha ha, well at least you're being responsible if you are pregnant! Wait...what? Stop that."

A few days pass... nap, nap, nap.... stay awake all night. Wonder why I'm sleeping all day. Wonder why I'm staying awake all night. Telling myself to ignore those websites that say insomnia-type symptoms can be a sign of early pregnancy. Get up to pee. Get up again, telling myself I'm making myself a crazy paranoid person. Stay still in bed, try not to wake up Tim. Don't tell Tim anything, because there's no need to stress him out over something that probably (liiiiies) isn't really happening (Let me pause for a moment and say that my dear, sweet husband is the best thing in the world, the best fit for me, the best everything.... but when it comes to anything medical, he can obsess over it until he's convinced us both he has some incurable east-african disease that is known to only .005% of the world's population ever)...no, no. It is best to keep it to myself for now.

How I felt during these nights^

A few more days pass and Tim & I went to a party with his squad. Everyone brought an entree or dessert... Tim brought his world-famous Baked Ziti which is one of my favorite things in the world. I start having a conversation with a couple at the party who started asking when we would wanted to begin having kids. I gave some noncommittal answer about sometime in the next year or so, all the while squirming uncomfortably in my seat, getting that weird feeling that I'm lying again. While this is happening Tim puts down a heaping plate of Ziti in front of me and my mouth fills with saliva--and not in the good way. I cram down a few bites and then excuse myself to the bathroom, where I proceeded to sweat and feel the worst wave of nausea. I tell myself it must be all the rich foods I had been eating for the holidays and maybe being carsick again (Tim drives a stick and was trying to "push it" on the way....surely that was it).

. . . . .Don't worry, the big reveal is coming up soon . . .keep on reading you loyal readers, you.

Another day or two passes and I go to church with one of my very best friends Laurie & her husband Patrick. We go out to lunch at Lindley Filling Station... I find myself worrying about deli meat and then proceed to scream at myself in my head to stop acting like a lunatic. Laurie knew that there was a slight chance, but I brushed it off so much that we just joked about how funny it would be if one of us was pregnant.

I then decided, enough is enough. I went to a CVS and stood in the home-pregnancy test aisle for about 15 minutes. Worked myself up so much my heart was racing, I had broken out in a cold sweat, and had to find a bathroom. Told myself to act like a big girl, because if I was pregnant, I sure as heck better get my act together. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, walked back out to that aisle, grabbed a test and a box of tampons, proceeded to get a strange look from the check-out girl, and left. I was so proud of myself for being "brave." And then my legs felt like jell-o as I realized what I just bought. I rushed home, shoved both items under the bathroom counter, shut the door and tried to forget about it...at least I was prepared either way.

Let me add here that I didn't tell Tim about any of this CVS nervous break-down or purchase for the next day or two. I told him as we were falling asleep one night and he, of course, sits up and starts interrogating me as to why I bought a pregnancy test. I try to make it seem like I don't have a care in the world, that it is just best to be prepared, blah blah blah. Then I had a dream. But in my dream I was not pregnant. I spent my whole dream trying to tell people that didn't feel right. I woke up and felt that guilty, "that's a lie" feeling again. With Tim still sweetly sleeping next to me, I slid out of bed, ran into the hall bathroom and took the pregnancy test. I waited the right amount of time with clenched hands and then peeked over. And I saw..... something. I tilted it this way and that. I squinted my eyes. And I still had no idea if it was positive or not. There was kind of a fuzzy line. But not like the box. Without pausing to think, I ran into the bedroom, sat down practically on Tim and said "Tim, Tim, wake up. Don't freak out ok? don't freak out. There's no reason to get worked up. Just stay calm ok?" [he told me later that he thought someone had died] "I just took a pregnancy test and I don't know if it is positive or not, but it's only valid for a few minutes and I need you to look at it NOW!"

Bless him. He got right up and walked in there without asking any questions. Now it was his turn to squint, tilt, stare, compare. His verdict? "I don't think you are, Na. I think you just want to be. I'm going back to bed for seven minutes before work." I picked up the test, walked outside and threw it away--I didn't want to dwell on it anymore.

Tim went to work and I went crazy. I tried to do errands, but just ended up buying two more tests...this time digital. I wanted the words to tell me so there was no misunderstanding. I took a test. and. it. was. positive!!!

I called Tim and told him. He was excited, cautious, wanting more information. So was I! I told him I would take one more and keep him updated. I waited a few hours, drank water, paced, wrote, watched tv. and took the next test. It was negative.

What the heck. I called Tim again and he said he was "coming down off cloud nine" very quickly.... and that he would get more tests on the way home.

At this point I was reeling. I'd had a maybe, a positive, and a negative test all within 12 hours. Tim showed up and I took another test. another positive. Tim stayed on the couch all night and didn't sleep. I stayed in the bed and slept maybe 1-2 hours. The next morning we took another test-- positive. We went to the doctor and they hesitated for a little bit.... but then, yep, there was a faint line! I was just very, very early in realizing I was pregnant. In fact all of the books and websites told me for the next 3-4 weeks I wouldn't even know I was pregnant yet (not much for fun reading). I cried, Tim tried to stay calm, I yelled at him for being calm, he got excited, we left.... he had to go to work and I had to go observe at my soon-to-be new job. We were both pretty worthless the rest of that day haha.

And that, readers, is the "short" version of how it all happened. Thanks for coming along, baby Bloch. We are so happy you are growing everyday.

- From Daddy's point of view(Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm going to be a daddy) -

Naive as I was, when I found out we were going to be parents, I thought "well, we have a couple months before anything starts so we will have time to get used to this."  As soon as I finished the thought, Anna was on the floor in the bathroom, trying to hold in any food she had recently eaten.

While Anna laughed, cried, flapped her arms like a bird, and yelled at me all within five minutes, I knew this "adventure" would be a time to remember.  I also quickly realized that the pregnancy would bring us closer together, and make our already unbreakable love that much stronger.

The past six weeks have been a true test of patience, responsibility, and my ability to cut apples thin enough for Anna, because it seems thin = happy (the word "thin" makes Anna happy, no matter what it is directed towards, ESPECIALLY HER). I guess she knows her body will soon change.  It all hit at once.  The cost of the birth, college fund, life insurance, and all the other joys of being a parent.  Not to sound cliche, but you can't put a cost or price on the first time I got to hear our baby's heartbeat followed by the little guy/girl on the screen.

I can't wait to tell everyone about the moment we found out I was going to be a daddy.

Daydreams to reality

I have spent the last six months or more drooling over baby blogs in my spare time... swearing to myself that there was no way Tim & I would start "trying" to have a baby for at least a year or so.... well, low and behold here we are 9 weeks & 4 days pregnant! The day we found out we were pregnant was a roller-coaster of a day (but you will have to wait for that story until later), but we have since launched into full-fledged pregnancy and all that comes with it.

As far as we know right now, baby, or "creature" as we have been calling it (this seems a much more fitting title at the moment since it looks nothing like a baby and yet has been sucking away all of my nutrients and food and making me into a scary monster at times) is doing well and is right on track. Prayers for baby/creature are greatly appreciated--of course like every other parent on the planet, we only want what is best for him/her.

Some quick stats to get you going while you wait for the enthralling "How did you find out you were pregnant?" story:

Baby's Size: About the size of a grape or medium-sized Olive....but as my brother, Clayton put it "We will say grape since no one likes olives."

Approximate Due Date: August 18, 2012....niiiiice and hot.

Sleep: I feel like a zombie during the day, although it is improving with time, but sometimes have trouble sleeping--apparently this can be a symptom to alert you that you are pregnant, although it is not well-known...also, waking up to go to the bathroom 1-2 times a night can interrupt some delicious REM sleep and makes you have very weird dreams.

Food Cravings: Nothing, really. I really wanted some Cadbury Creme Eggs and Tim found them while at work and brought them home to me--so sweet. Really I have only been able to remotely enjoy: Honey Nut Cheerios, Rice Krispies, really cold Gala apples with peanut butter, and orange juice. The colder everything is, the better.

Food Aversions: Anything with a strong smell... nothing tastes the way it did before I was pregnant. It's like when you have a cold and everything just tastes a little off. Also, I LOVE GARLIC and all Italian food...but ever since I've been pregnant it makes me very sick.... Sad day. Oh, and chicken.

That's all for now.... Come back for more enthralling stories of the Bloch familia!