First, ever since seeing our sweet baby on the ultrasound machine this week, it has been so much more real to me than ever before. And it is awesome. AND.... it is terrifying. I have not really allowed myself to fully delve into my daydreams about this baby. Yes, I have talked about it and yes, I have barked at Tim (at least in the earliest stages) that "No, I will not keep my guard up, this is our baby and I love it! I don't care how early in the pregnancy it is!" But I have not thought of myself as "mom" yet... and in the sweet pregnancy journal Tim got for me for Christmas, I always write I/me or Tim.... never mommy or daddy, even though that's who the journal is for... OUR baby who will be reading something written by mommy and daddy. There you go, Tim--that is one of my versions of "keeping my guard up." Fear is ugly. Fear is not love. I have listened to this song so many times since finding out I'm pregnant and every time I tear up. You sweet baby, are worth all of me.
It talks about "broken hearts" and "tears".... but in my pregnant mommy mind, those tears are from being sick all the time, of constantly being tired, etc. I'm hoping that's the only pain we will ever (ha) have to endure at the sake of our baby. Anyways.... I love you, little one. Every day brings us closer to knowing you, knowing your expressions, who you take after.... We can't wait. My favorite line from this song? "Heaven brought you to this moment/it's too wonderful to speak/You're worth all of me/ So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed/ you're worth all of me."
Secondly, I have been dealing with a whole new set of challenges in my work and/or personal life. I have been knocked on my butt in a way that I rarely have been before. It has been unnerving, stressful, scary, obnoxious.... and has made me cling to my faith all that much harder. I knew going into these situations that I would be sure to grow--but that has not made me any happier about it. I knew that I would need to lean on God more. I knew that my prayer output would shoot up. However... knowing something and believing/experiencing something are different. I have been fighting God's plan for me (trying to ignore/accept all of the daily Bible verses I receive via email every day--each and every one centering around God's will, God's plan for my life, to trust Him etc), and calling out to him in equal measure. Thank goodness I have a God who is unshakeable. Who is relentless in his pursuit of me. Who never changes----when all the rest of my world is changing, good or bad, he remains the same day after day. I could never do these things on my own. Why do we fight growing so much?
I heard this song on the radio on the way home the other day and it fit so well. "You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me.... you are peace, you are peace, when my fear is crippling." I had just been driving there grumpy, full of mean thoughts, full of fear.... ok, ok God. You've got me. Youuuu winnnn.
Third, onto pregnancy stuff! I forgot to mention that we found out the other day that we will learn if our baby is a boy or a girl on MARCH 23!!!!!!! So close, so far. I will be 18 weeks and 2 days when we find out (I think). Today, however, I am officially at 11 weeks.
Some stats:
Baby's size: A little over an inch and a half--about the size of a fig. (Copied from Babycenter.com->) Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden.
She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.
Cravings: I am missing Subway/Jersey Mikes/Boar's Head Turkey sandwiches more and more everyday.
Sickness: I am feeling a little better each day, although some sights/sounds of foods still send me running. I am hoping I am leaving this stage behind very soon.
Emotions: Ha ha ha. What a rollercoaster. I personally think I've been doing ok (don't ask Tim!), but this is how it goes-- Really sad story on the news? I feel down, but I'm ok. Having to lay down the law at school even though it's scary? Ehh, stressful, but I am good. Have someone say something hateful to me? Dwell on it later, but hold it together. Tim voicing that he wished out house was cleaner and/or that the dishes were done (not towards me at all)??? I sit in the bathroom and cry for about 30 minutes and go over every way in my head that I'm messing up. Proceed to wash my face, and feel fine for the rest of the night.
Yeeeeesh. I apologize to anyone who might ever set me off. It's not you. It's me.
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| Our cat Ashley--sorry it's sideways. She clings to me all the time since I became pregnant. It is weird. |
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| Sweetest pup in the world who makes it hard to leave in the morning. |
---Anna
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